another today.

I woke up early in the morning today because i had an apointment with my doctor to see what happened with my lower back.
As it turned out between the spaces of my spine on my lower back area, there seem to have been a tear in the gums between the bone points, and due to this it has swollen up and cause pressure on one of my nerves, and this is the reason that i am experiencing so much pain.

The doctor told me to take Diclofenac Na and try to sit straight and also walk straight, and should be staying at home for a week before going to work again., and when i do go back to work i should take it easy for the first 3 weeks.

Now let me go to the experience of sitting and waiting for my turn at the doctor practise.

My first thoughts of fears were:

What if i had a minor tear and this is the cuase of all this pain..and they need to inject me with big needles inbetween my spine bones..?

I started feeling a little uncomfortable, because i was certain that it must be a tear that happened, but where exactly and how i didn't know, this is going to cost me much more pain.

I hope the doctor is gentle and not a fucker who will put pressure on my lower back just to see where i am having pain, because i feel like that is unnecessary, because i can hardly bend over or twist aside or do any suden movements that when one is in good condition don't pay attention to, but when there is pain, the smallest things are sodifficult and painfull.


Now that my back is fucked up for now, i realize how difficult it must be for people who have this on a daily basis. simple walks are difficult,everything is a dread. Now sitting here writing is an affort but i must keep on moving and don't stand still otherwise it can get worse as the doctor says.


Self-forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and be fearfull because of me being and having fear of having more pain, especially related to pain caused by injection of a needle into my body, wherever that may be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that my doctor will put some pressure on the site where i am experoiencing pain and in so doing enlarge the feeling and experience of the pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never have taken into consideration those who have pain on whatever parts of their bodies, and in so doing make me a careless person, who didn't give a fuck, bnecause it wasn't me experiencing the pain anyhow.

Self corrective statements:

I take self-responsibilty into walking my consequences and in so doing eradicate fear within me and breath every time if this situation and other alike come to visit me again.

I ground myself here instead of going into my mind and believe/think of possible outcomes that when in the moment of the experience may not be as what i expected it to be. so i breathe, and stasy in the moments of being here.

I take my self-responsibility and consider myself and all in all situations, and especially the physical painfull ones, and in so doing become a real caring being, who gives a fuck and consider what others are going through.



Thanks.



Larry Manuela