Now these two days i have come to the understanding that my world is very small, or very little interaction is taking place, with this i mean i don't have much conversations going on with a lot of people, and even when i do it is for a short period of time, i am mostly alone, not that this bothers me or something like that, it is just that i am doing my things in a quite way. And i see myself as being more an observer then an participant.
I have let myself become like this virus within this system, and to most people i talk to, they see in me someone that is negative they say, that i have a negative view of the world, i can see at their body language and at some words they use that they are thinking and believing that i am being negative, and i am repeatedly saying to them that i am realistic, i see the thing for what it is, no good/bad, right/wrong, negative/positive. With this i mean if the thing is what it is, that is the way i will say that it is. I will not try to make it look nice or acceptable when it is not. Or try to push my point because it is good or not good, i will stand for what i say because of the realization i have come to see in this world as manifested factual occurrences, and that are visible to all of us to see, which in turn makes it then common sense.Right now i am still talking and flirting with my girlfriend, but as i have watched the video that Alice Bailey did on relationship and agreements i have come to understand that it would better not be so, to try and go into a kind of something that i called agreement when it would more likely be something like relationship. This is also a challenge for me right now to push trough this point, because i like this girl,and she likes me to, we know it,we communicate every day.
These days i have not masturbate but the thought did come up within me, which i stopped it immediately by saying ''no'' and breathing through the whole moment. And so far so good. I am going and am going through the pushing of that particular point. as i have said in some early writings about my process here, that this is going to be one of the most difficult point for me to become one with and then direct me within it all.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself by seeing within myself that because i do not have to many people around me maybe i am alone.
2) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself becoming like a virus within the system and talking about the system as it is.
3) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people by seeing in them that they are looking at me as if i am a negative person.
4) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for a relationship with my girlfriend instead of focusing on breathing and being here.
I am not judgement nor am i lonely and alone, nor a virus within the system.
I am here and i am life.
Thank you...
Larry Manuela
Saturday 29 January 2011
Thursday 27 January 2011
January 26 and 27
Well i found out today the 26th that the girl whom i like at work and who also likes me, was not gone, maybe she just had a day off or something in that manner.
This day someone new came in at work and it is someone i do know, and we talked a little about what is going on in this world but he does not seem to get the message. It is like most people who have done some type of higher learning and then because of that they think and believe that they know better than someone else because they are educated, but they don't seem to ask the right questions and even if they do it is about them in relation to what is best for them, not in relation to what is best for all.
I have noticed that it is a waste of time trying to wake people up from their dream within an illusion., because they seem to deep into it, that they just don't see it. If someone is saying that our laws are good laws on themselves, but it is the people who are not making proper use of them in practice, is another story. then we can already know that this person is either ignorant or he doesn't care at all as long as what he has coming for him is best for him, as long as his survival is taken care of by the system he is participating in. If his needs are being taken for there is no problem with the system, no need to question the system, because everything is alright, but alright with them alone in their world and in their placement on the planet.
On the 27th we continue talking some more on the subjects and i can still see that he is not going to consider all, he doesn't see it, and i told him that the system is going to fall and that there is nothing we can do it, the only thing we can do is to stand together and create a new system but one that is best for all. he told me that he is not seeing the system fall because the system is picking up, things are getting better, and the system can have some downfalls, but it is not going to not exist.It will always be like this. I told him...o.k. write this down what you said today, because i think you will live to see when the system falls. And it is not going to happen in one blow, it is happening in a process, that eventually will end up as system death.
I talked to another girlfriend of mine who i used to sleep with, and today she told me that she have something to tell me, because the thing has been bothering her for some time now and she has to tell me.
She told me that she want to know from me what i want, and that she knows already that we don't have nothing more together but that doesn't take the fact that she have feelings for me. she asked me if we are going to continue having sex and i told her it is better for us not to do that, and she also told me that why it is that she is always the one who is always asking me to come over by her house and not me coming of my own...?? On this question i did not give her an answer yet because she was already satisfied with the answer i gave her of us not having sexual intercourse anymore. But the reason i did not want to go to her on my own was because i already could see that if i do that she will become more attached to me and i do not want that for her neither for me, and it will put me in a situation of me abusing her just to get sex out of her, or using her just because i know she likes me a lot, and allowing and accepting her to compromise herself just because she likes me.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a friend of mine on what it is that he is thinking and believing that is right and good in this world.
2) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within discussions with people knowing already from the start that they will not listen because they will see what i have to say as extreme.
3) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allowed myself to put myself and a girlfriend of mine into a situation where we can manipulate each other for sex and for relationship.
I am here, i am life, i am here to be as equal as life as me as all.
Larry Manuela
This day someone new came in at work and it is someone i do know, and we talked a little about what is going on in this world but he does not seem to get the message. It is like most people who have done some type of higher learning and then because of that they think and believe that they know better than someone else because they are educated, but they don't seem to ask the right questions and even if they do it is about them in relation to what is best for them, not in relation to what is best for all.
I have noticed that it is a waste of time trying to wake people up from their dream within an illusion., because they seem to deep into it, that they just don't see it. If someone is saying that our laws are good laws on themselves, but it is the people who are not making proper use of them in practice, is another story. then we can already know that this person is either ignorant or he doesn't care at all as long as what he has coming for him is best for him, as long as his survival is taken care of by the system he is participating in. If his needs are being taken for there is no problem with the system, no need to question the system, because everything is alright, but alright with them alone in their world and in their placement on the planet.
On the 27th we continue talking some more on the subjects and i can still see that he is not going to consider all, he doesn't see it, and i told him that the system is going to fall and that there is nothing we can do it, the only thing we can do is to stand together and create a new system but one that is best for all. he told me that he is not seeing the system fall because the system is picking up, things are getting better, and the system can have some downfalls, but it is not going to not exist.It will always be like this. I told him...o.k. write this down what you said today, because i think you will live to see when the system falls. And it is not going to happen in one blow, it is happening in a process, that eventually will end up as system death.
I talked to another girlfriend of mine who i used to sleep with, and today she told me that she have something to tell me, because the thing has been bothering her for some time now and she has to tell me.
She told me that she want to know from me what i want, and that she knows already that we don't have nothing more together but that doesn't take the fact that she have feelings for me. she asked me if we are going to continue having sex and i told her it is better for us not to do that, and she also told me that why it is that she is always the one who is always asking me to come over by her house and not me coming of my own...?? On this question i did not give her an answer yet because she was already satisfied with the answer i gave her of us not having sexual intercourse anymore. But the reason i did not want to go to her on my own was because i already could see that if i do that she will become more attached to me and i do not want that for her neither for me, and it will put me in a situation of me abusing her just to get sex out of her, or using her just because i know she likes me a lot, and allowing and accepting her to compromise herself just because she likes me.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a friend of mine on what it is that he is thinking and believing that is right and good in this world.
2) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within discussions with people knowing already from the start that they will not listen because they will see what i have to say as extreme.
3) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allowed myself to put myself and a girlfriend of mine into a situation where we can manipulate each other for sex and for relationship.
I am here, i am life, i am here to be as equal as life as me as all.
Larry Manuela
Tuesday 25 January 2011
January 24 and 25.
Hi guys, i am writing today to say that nothing much happen these 2 days the only thing that happens is that i am being very horny these days and i am working on that right now, not to fight against it, but to breathe in those moments of being horny....lol
I only talked dirty to my girlfriend these two days and masturbate a few times thinking of her, how nice it would be to have sex with her and please her so much. The thing is that i really like her, and i got the feeling that i am going to be with her somehow. at work the woman who liked me and that i also liked is not there anymore, her time was up i believe. It did feel kind of disappointing because i will not have someone whom i can smile with and look at that i know wants me.
Even though she is not a woman that i would like to be with, she just attracted me sexually, but nothing more. That is why i also did not approach her.
Self-forgiveness applications.
1) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into a situation where i become horny all the time and that i use my girlfriend to imagine having sex with her.
2) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disappointed that the woman i liked at work is not there anymore, because i liked the attention she gave me knowing that it was a attention that was more based on a invitation to approach her.
I am breath, i am here, i am not lacking anything, all is here with me as me.
I only talked dirty to my girlfriend these two days and masturbate a few times thinking of her, how nice it would be to have sex with her and please her so much. The thing is that i really like her, and i got the feeling that i am going to be with her somehow. at work the woman who liked me and that i also liked is not there anymore, her time was up i believe. It did feel kind of disappointing because i will not have someone whom i can smile with and look at that i know wants me.
Even though she is not a woman that i would like to be with, she just attracted me sexually, but nothing more. That is why i also did not approach her.
Self-forgiveness applications.
1) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into a situation where i become horny all the time and that i use my girlfriend to imagine having sex with her.
2) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disappointed that the woman i liked at work is not there anymore, because i liked the attention she gave me knowing that it was a attention that was more based on a invitation to approach her.
I am breath, i am here, i am not lacking anything, all is here with me as me.
Monday 24 January 2011
January 22, 2011
this day was a usual day, the only different thing was that i went to my sister's house because her husband had his birthday and they asked me to come by, so i did.
When i was there i got to talk on some points regarding the system as it is and also how we use words in some ways to get what we want instead of using them to within an agreement where have the best for all outcome for all life.
This day i could not get my mind of my girlfriend who told me she was going to come over but eventually did not.
She had to babysit. Now this girl is one of the friends i have that i really really like, she is just perfect, and she knows, because i tell her that most of the times. The kind of girl one can say is real when it comes to being real.
When i got home we were chatting on the internet and she told me that she was horny, and i by hearing this immediately got horny to. And i decide to make her more horny and told her a bunch of horny stuff, as i am good in these things, i would say; i am good in manipulating a woman into making her horny, i know this from myself, i have a lot of fantasy to tell about that topic and the way i tell it makes them very horny, so i use that tool and get them horny with my words that i am sure travel into their minds where they will play out this fantasy on their own way, as i am telling the story. This is one of the things that i must stop doing because it is not what is best for all, because it concerns only me ans the girl, meaning we are working to get each other horny for the future encounter where we will play out this fantasy in real life,and it would not be something that would be what is best for all., because we are not in a agreement, i do talk to her about that though, maybe it can happen , i would love to be in an agreement with her for sure and walk this thing together. She knows a lot about what i am doing because i talk to her about it a lot, and she does see the common sense in all of it, but she is lets say a little bit lazy to go through all the material on the website herself, she views it like a lot of work and i always tell her what do you expect it to be something easy....??? lol
But i do keep her in check with what i am bust with and so see stays a little updated anyways even though she is not actively busy with it, maybe one day she will realize it and start on her own.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel horny about my girlfriend that i like, pure on desires.
2) Io forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others to get what i want even though that i like this girl for real, it is still me manipulating the whole thing.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging her and thinking and believing that she might be lazy in not reading the material of desteni.
I am not my manipulations of my mind consciousness systems, i am life and i am here.
Bye bye.....
Larry Manuela
When i was there i got to talk on some points regarding the system as it is and also how we use words in some ways to get what we want instead of using them to within an agreement where have the best for all outcome for all life.
This day i could not get my mind of my girlfriend who told me she was going to come over but eventually did not.
She had to babysit. Now this girl is one of the friends i have that i really really like, she is just perfect, and she knows, because i tell her that most of the times. The kind of girl one can say is real when it comes to being real.
When i got home we were chatting on the internet and she told me that she was horny, and i by hearing this immediately got horny to. And i decide to make her more horny and told her a bunch of horny stuff, as i am good in these things, i would say; i am good in manipulating a woman into making her horny, i know this from myself, i have a lot of fantasy to tell about that topic and the way i tell it makes them very horny, so i use that tool and get them horny with my words that i am sure travel into their minds where they will play out this fantasy on their own way, as i am telling the story. This is one of the things that i must stop doing because it is not what is best for all, because it concerns only me ans the girl, meaning we are working to get each other horny for the future encounter where we will play out this fantasy in real life,and it would not be something that would be what is best for all., because we are not in a agreement, i do talk to her about that though, maybe it can happen , i would love to be in an agreement with her for sure and walk this thing together. She knows a lot about what i am doing because i talk to her about it a lot, and she does see the common sense in all of it, but she is lets say a little bit lazy to go through all the material on the website herself, she views it like a lot of work and i always tell her what do you expect it to be something easy....??? lol
But i do keep her in check with what i am bust with and so see stays a little updated anyways even though she is not actively busy with it, maybe one day she will realize it and start on her own.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel horny about my girlfriend that i like, pure on desires.
2) Io forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others to get what i want even though that i like this girl for real, it is still me manipulating the whole thing.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging her and thinking and believing that she might be lazy in not reading the material of desteni.
I am not my manipulations of my mind consciousness systems, i am life and i am here.
Bye bye.....
Larry Manuela
Saturday 22 January 2011
January 21, 2011
Today i went to the social advisers office where they can help me with my problem, and when i was there i had to wait for like an hour before it was my turn and when it finally got to my turn the lady had like no much time left because it was closer or the closing time was already passed, so she just talked and look at the whole thing a little fast, but she did in all that noticed something that i did not noticed myself before, i did not see at the back of the letters that they sent to me. I was a little relieve from hearing that and also a little disappointed because it could have saved me a lot of time if i saw that myself first.
After this i went to my sister's house because i had to cut the hair of her man and so i did after this we starting talking about what i am doing for a while and i could see that they were not really in agreement with me, because of what they themselves believe, and think things to be, and they always tell me that they have another point of view and that mine is different and they think that what i tell them is about a belief, when it is not, it is about common sense, but i learn from them because they are like against me or against the thing i am doing because they think that i cannot do anything to change the world and i always tell them, that it is not about that, it is about me changing me within what is going on and so be more effective participant in being a ''life-coach'' later on when things get worse, but of course they don't understand what i am talking about.
Today i also made an appointment with my friend who happens to be a girl, and she is one i really like, maybe one day if she wants we can be in agreement together, because she seems to understand much better what it is i am doing. I like her a lot, she is e real true friend. She is just beautiful.
Now up to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel relieved when the woman at the social adviser office told me that there is something else going on that i did not see before and also for me feeling a little disappointed in myself for not realizing this point before.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself get caught into the situation where i felt like i needed to defend my position and my point of view just because they could not understand what i am really saying.
3) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate into my emotions and feelings regarding my friend who is a girl.
Self corrective actions.
I am here and i am life, and i am not my feeling and emotions because these are energetic movement within my human physical body, who are of mind consciousness systems.
Bye bye.......
Larry Manuela
After this i went to my sister's house because i had to cut the hair of her man and so i did after this we starting talking about what i am doing for a while and i could see that they were not really in agreement with me, because of what they themselves believe, and think things to be, and they always tell me that they have another point of view and that mine is different and they think that what i tell them is about a belief, when it is not, it is about common sense, but i learn from them because they are like against me or against the thing i am doing because they think that i cannot do anything to change the world and i always tell them, that it is not about that, it is about me changing me within what is going on and so be more effective participant in being a ''life-coach'' later on when things get worse, but of course they don't understand what i am talking about.
Today i also made an appointment with my friend who happens to be a girl, and she is one i really like, maybe one day if she wants we can be in agreement together, because she seems to understand much better what it is i am doing. I like her a lot, she is e real true friend. She is just beautiful.
Now up to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel relieved when the woman at the social adviser office told me that there is something else going on that i did not see before and also for me feeling a little disappointed in myself for not realizing this point before.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself get caught into the situation where i felt like i needed to defend my position and my point of view just because they could not understand what i am really saying.
3) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate into my emotions and feelings regarding my friend who is a girl.
Self corrective actions.
I am here and i am life, and i am not my feeling and emotions because these are energetic movement within my human physical body, who are of mind consciousness systems.
Bye bye.......
Larry Manuela
Thursday 20 January 2011
January 19, 2011
So today i got to talk with the social worker at work and it turned out to be that he can't help me with my problem anyways, because my problem is a little more complicated and it is a problem that require some assistance of justice.
This i already knew would be the case because of the whole complicated scenario i saw already in writing letters back and forth to them( health insurance).
I got a little relief from all that, because i was a little bit in doubt if i really had a case or not, so now i am sure that i can make a case out of this ans set this straight.
At work i observe an interesting happening today. When we were packing the liquid soaps into the little carton boxes, because this is the kind of job they put you to do nowadays when you can't get anything to do, but anyways, as we were doing this some of the guys there, starting throwing those soaps everywhere and they were braking and letting the soap out, of the sack. Now the woman i told you guys about that i like, now she was between those guys who were throwing these thing and braking them, and she was laughing at the whole thing, like it was something funny or something of delinquent habits that is found in young people....you know, when young people are acting like that. So what happened next is the point to this whole story, she stand up and was going to left the building where we were working and she slipped on the liquid soap that the guys were throwing and felt very hard on the floor, and those who noticed all got scared. Now the point for me here was that, she experience first hand the consequences and so did the others who were throwing those things to, they experience to, what it is that could happen if you do things without taking into consideration the consequences of such actions. For me the moment i saw this i also became scared for a second, but in that moment i remember immediately to breathe and in that breathing i saw the whole thing, and could realize it and see the consequence right in front of me in a moment.So i who was there was also in the whole experience of the whole falling moment of the woman. Even though that the woman experience the real physical pain of the consequences we experience the together with her what it means when you throw things that can be slippery around.
Now for me that whole experience was also a moment of realization, because now i had a physical experience that when one really is one with the breath one do see the thing as it is and is capable of not being emotional nor feeling related to the whole experience of it all. It is really like it slows down. This is cool stuff...lol
Then later on that night when i got home i was talking to myself and the topic of myself talking to myself was: ''realization vs awareness''
I wanted to make a video of myself talking about this thing.
I was looking at this thing and was trying to breathe through the whole thing, and here is what i was talking about.
I realize that realization happens only in relationships, meaning me for example in relation with someone or something, so even looking at the whole realization and awareness topic i realize this very clearly, so i could see the difference between realization and awareness.
what i found was the following, now i need you guys to understand that on these 2 words that i am using here i never ever opened a dictionary to look at their meaning, their definition, all i know about these 2 words is what i hear from other people giving example of what those 2 words may mean.
So what i am about to tell you and understand that i can be mistaken, but i am writing it right now as i was seeing it from my understanding then at that particular moment and up to this moment i still have not opened a dictionary to look at their definition, because i find need to do so.
I see in awareness as it is being used in sentences that it has to do with a state of being itself, meaning you are awareness itself.
In realization i can see it as being in separation to being, it is like for example; me separating myself from myself, then i am forming a relationship within myself as myself. So this means that only in relationship can i have what is called a realization, because in awareness you just are...!! In awareness there is nothing but awareness itself, you are it.
Let me give some example of what i am trying to say here.
if i take for example the sentence:'' i am alive''
the moment i say that sentence as it is written here, i am not in awareness of life, because i am then not as it, i am in separation with it and is now forming a relationship with it. Meaning i am not in understand and seeing it as me myself. life is me, it is what i am. I am seeing it and understanding it as if it is something that is separate from me.
Now all i am writing here is ''realization'' not ''awareness''
I cannot talk from awareness because i am not aware, but i do understand awareness from the perspective of the relationship that i see in all things which i can clearly see that i am not them as me, it is not part of my everyday reality.
Now what i mean with this is the following. For example: i can understand and have consideration for the people who are hungry, but the actuality of what they really experience in that particular situation i don't experience it as them as myself.
If i hack a tree trunk off, i don't get to experience what the tree may be experiencing, i can only consider and try to understand it, but all this can only happen in relationship that is not awareness, because the relationship is in separation, that is the way we are living right now. It is all mental, not real physical touch, within the relationship with all things that are here, we are in touch with only a few, and there are more touching relationships going on without us knowing it at all.Because we do not consider those as touch or we don't stand still and see that those are also touch.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for doubting myself for what i already knew of myself and instead was looking for assurance or people to agree with me in some way or another.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall for a second within my mind and got scared as the woman fell on the ground due to the soap on the floor.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to myself as being referred to as: ''mind chatting'' within which i chat about the whole ''realization vs awareness'' topic in my mind and which i put here in writing.
self corrective application.
I am not doubt, doubt is of my mind consciousness system, i am not my mind and i am not the tricks my mind play with me in order for me not to realize me, who i really am.
I am not mind chatting, mind chatting is of mind consciousness system.
I am life, i am here, i am trust, i am secure.
Let me hear your comments on this please.
Bye bye......
Larry Manuela
This i already knew would be the case because of the whole complicated scenario i saw already in writing letters back and forth to them( health insurance).
I got a little relief from all that, because i was a little bit in doubt if i really had a case or not, so now i am sure that i can make a case out of this ans set this straight.
At work i observe an interesting happening today. When we were packing the liquid soaps into the little carton boxes, because this is the kind of job they put you to do nowadays when you can't get anything to do, but anyways, as we were doing this some of the guys there, starting throwing those soaps everywhere and they were braking and letting the soap out, of the sack. Now the woman i told you guys about that i like, now she was between those guys who were throwing these thing and braking them, and she was laughing at the whole thing, like it was something funny or something of delinquent habits that is found in young people....you know, when young people are acting like that. So what happened next is the point to this whole story, she stand up and was going to left the building where we were working and she slipped on the liquid soap that the guys were throwing and felt very hard on the floor, and those who noticed all got scared. Now the point for me here was that, she experience first hand the consequences and so did the others who were throwing those things to, they experience to, what it is that could happen if you do things without taking into consideration the consequences of such actions. For me the moment i saw this i also became scared for a second, but in that moment i remember immediately to breathe and in that breathing i saw the whole thing, and could realize it and see the consequence right in front of me in a moment.So i who was there was also in the whole experience of the whole falling moment of the woman. Even though that the woman experience the real physical pain of the consequences we experience the together with her what it means when you throw things that can be slippery around.
Now for me that whole experience was also a moment of realization, because now i had a physical experience that when one really is one with the breath one do see the thing as it is and is capable of not being emotional nor feeling related to the whole experience of it all. It is really like it slows down. This is cool stuff...lol
Then later on that night when i got home i was talking to myself and the topic of myself talking to myself was: ''realization vs awareness''
I wanted to make a video of myself talking about this thing.
I was looking at this thing and was trying to breathe through the whole thing, and here is what i was talking about.
I realize that realization happens only in relationships, meaning me for example in relation with someone or something, so even looking at the whole realization and awareness topic i realize this very clearly, so i could see the difference between realization and awareness.
what i found was the following, now i need you guys to understand that on these 2 words that i am using here i never ever opened a dictionary to look at their meaning, their definition, all i know about these 2 words is what i hear from other people giving example of what those 2 words may mean.
So what i am about to tell you and understand that i can be mistaken, but i am writing it right now as i was seeing it from my understanding then at that particular moment and up to this moment i still have not opened a dictionary to look at their definition, because i find need to do so.
I see in awareness as it is being used in sentences that it has to do with a state of being itself, meaning you are awareness itself.
In realization i can see it as being in separation to being, it is like for example; me separating myself from myself, then i am forming a relationship within myself as myself. So this means that only in relationship can i have what is called a realization, because in awareness you just are...!! In awareness there is nothing but awareness itself, you are it.
Let me give some example of what i am trying to say here.
if i take for example the sentence:'' i am alive''
the moment i say that sentence as it is written here, i am not in awareness of life, because i am then not as it, i am in separation with it and is now forming a relationship with it. Meaning i am not in understand and seeing it as me myself. life is me, it is what i am. I am seeing it and understanding it as if it is something that is separate from me.
Now all i am writing here is ''realization'' not ''awareness''
I cannot talk from awareness because i am not aware, but i do understand awareness from the perspective of the relationship that i see in all things which i can clearly see that i am not them as me, it is not part of my everyday reality.
Now what i mean with this is the following. For example: i can understand and have consideration for the people who are hungry, but the actuality of what they really experience in that particular situation i don't experience it as them as myself.
If i hack a tree trunk off, i don't get to experience what the tree may be experiencing, i can only consider and try to understand it, but all this can only happen in relationship that is not awareness, because the relationship is in separation, that is the way we are living right now. It is all mental, not real physical touch, within the relationship with all things that are here, we are in touch with only a few, and there are more touching relationships going on without us knowing it at all.Because we do not consider those as touch or we don't stand still and see that those are also touch.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for doubting myself for what i already knew of myself and instead was looking for assurance or people to agree with me in some way or another.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall for a second within my mind and got scared as the woman fell on the ground due to the soap on the floor.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to myself as being referred to as: ''mind chatting'' within which i chat about the whole ''realization vs awareness'' topic in my mind and which i put here in writing.
self corrective application.
I am not doubt, doubt is of my mind consciousness system, i am not my mind and i am not the tricks my mind play with me in order for me not to realize me, who i really am.
I am not mind chatting, mind chatting is of mind consciousness system.
I am life, i am here, i am trust, i am secure.
Let me hear your comments on this please.
Bye bye......
Larry Manuela
Wednesday 19 January 2011
January 17 and 18, 2011
January 17.
I woke up today way before my alarm went off and i got up from my bed and checked my bank account, still in the hope that just maybe, the money could be on my account now, but it wasn't.
I took a shower and waited for the time to pass, in order to get on my bicycle to go to work.
I could remember being in a state of ind where i was thinking about a woman at my work that attracts me a little, but it is more like a sexual thing, i just know that if i approach her and hit on her i am going to have her. I couldn't get her out of my mind.
What i could also not get out of my mind was that i needed to talk to the social worker there at my job, in order to find out if he can help me with the problem i have with my health care insurance.
Once at work and i saw the woman that i like and that also likes me i was feeling very happy inside because she was smiling at me as i was also smiling at her. But even when this is all happening i catch myself in my breath and remember myself that, i am in that whole moment in a moment of inequality and what is not best for all,but only what is best for me, and i also keep on saying to myself to not go into this temptation, just breathe and let it go. I must say that during this moment when i was letting it go i did not do self-forgiveness then at that moment itself, something i should have done, but i remember now that i did not.
Eventually i got to talk to the social worker at my job and we made an appointment for tomorrow and at that appointment i will bring my letters and also the letters from my health care insurance.
When i got home i went on the internet and immediately went on my account to see if the money was not transfer yet, but by no avail. This thing was stressing me a lot, because i just want to make my payment and on time to.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder into ''hope'' for the money to be on my account.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a sexual desire for a woman at work that i like and also to fall into emotions of like when seeing her.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unable to get her out of my mind, just because of the desire i have for her.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into assumption about the help that the social worker at work could do for me.
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for letting myself feel happy when i saw the woman at work that i like, and that at that moment made me realize that i need to breathe and let it go because i was acting in inequality and out of desire and also for forgetting at that moment to not do my self-forgiveness at that moment in fact aloud.
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stressed due to me not yet having my money on my account in order for me to make my payments for my course.
My self corrective statements.
I am not hope, hope is an illusion i give power to to exist within me and within my world.
I am not sexual desire and not desire at all, those are emotions within me that i allow to exist within me as me and also within my world.
I am not my mind telling me how i should be living.
I am not assumption and have no lack.
I am not my emotions nor my feelings.
I am not stress, stress is only in me as me, because i accept it and allow it to be so.
I am here and i am life.
I am whole.
O.k.that was it for that day......
January 18, 2011
Nothing much happened this day, the only thing i could remember was that when i got to talk to my social worker at work, i got a little angry and also a little happy because he could also see that i do have point in what i am fighting against.
This day i saw the woman i like again of course and as usual she looked at me and smiles as is exactly what i do to her to, i just like the way she is, she has something that attracts me a lot, and i know it is sexual, but i keep on telling myself not to resist the temptation but also not to give into it, just breathe and let it go.
When i got home at night i was so horny that i decided to masturbate but not really on her but using pornography website. And i deliberately have chosen woman who had blond hair, just because the woman i liked at work has blond hair. When i was masturbating i kept telling myself but why....??
And i tried when masturbating to breathe and i could prolong my coming when i did this, but still it is a mind fuck thing.
Self-forgiveness statements.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry and happy at the same time because of the social worker understanding me and agreeing with me.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still see the woman at my work as someone i desire to have sex with.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get horny with the thoughts i have for the woman at work and which made me masturbate when i came home from work and also for choosing woman on the internet who had also blond hair as she does.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to used my breath to prolong my coming instead of using it to stop myself.
Self corrective statements.
I am not anger nor happiness, because both are feelings and emotions.
I am not my desires.
I am not my thoughts who makes me horny.
I am life and i am here.
Bye bye.......
Larry Manuela
I woke up today way before my alarm went off and i got up from my bed and checked my bank account, still in the hope that just maybe, the money could be on my account now, but it wasn't.
I took a shower and waited for the time to pass, in order to get on my bicycle to go to work.
I could remember being in a state of ind where i was thinking about a woman at my work that attracts me a little, but it is more like a sexual thing, i just know that if i approach her and hit on her i am going to have her. I couldn't get her out of my mind.
What i could also not get out of my mind was that i needed to talk to the social worker there at my job, in order to find out if he can help me with the problem i have with my health care insurance.
Once at work and i saw the woman that i like and that also likes me i was feeling very happy inside because she was smiling at me as i was also smiling at her. But even when this is all happening i catch myself in my breath and remember myself that, i am in that whole moment in a moment of inequality and what is not best for all,but only what is best for me, and i also keep on saying to myself to not go into this temptation, just breathe and let it go. I must say that during this moment when i was letting it go i did not do self-forgiveness then at that moment itself, something i should have done, but i remember now that i did not.
Eventually i got to talk to the social worker at my job and we made an appointment for tomorrow and at that appointment i will bring my letters and also the letters from my health care insurance.
When i got home i went on the internet and immediately went on my account to see if the money was not transfer yet, but by no avail. This thing was stressing me a lot, because i just want to make my payment and on time to.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder into ''hope'' for the money to be on my account.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a sexual desire for a woman at work that i like and also to fall into emotions of like when seeing her.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unable to get her out of my mind, just because of the desire i have for her.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into assumption about the help that the social worker at work could do for me.
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for letting myself feel happy when i saw the woman at work that i like, and that at that moment made me realize that i need to breathe and let it go because i was acting in inequality and out of desire and also for forgetting at that moment to not do my self-forgiveness at that moment in fact aloud.
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stressed due to me not yet having my money on my account in order for me to make my payments for my course.
My self corrective statements.
I am not hope, hope is an illusion i give power to to exist within me and within my world.
I am not sexual desire and not desire at all, those are emotions within me that i allow to exist within me as me and also within my world.
I am not my mind telling me how i should be living.
I am not assumption and have no lack.
I am not my emotions nor my feelings.
I am not stress, stress is only in me as me, because i accept it and allow it to be so.
I am here and i am life.
I am whole.
O.k.that was it for that day......
January 18, 2011
Nothing much happened this day, the only thing i could remember was that when i got to talk to my social worker at work, i got a little angry and also a little happy because he could also see that i do have point in what i am fighting against.
This day i saw the woman i like again of course and as usual she looked at me and smiles as is exactly what i do to her to, i just like the way she is, she has something that attracts me a lot, and i know it is sexual, but i keep on telling myself not to resist the temptation but also not to give into it, just breathe and let it go.
When i got home at night i was so horny that i decided to masturbate but not really on her but using pornography website. And i deliberately have chosen woman who had blond hair, just because the woman i liked at work has blond hair. When i was masturbating i kept telling myself but why....??
And i tried when masturbating to breathe and i could prolong my coming when i did this, but still it is a mind fuck thing.
Self-forgiveness statements.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry and happy at the same time because of the social worker understanding me and agreeing with me.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still see the woman at my work as someone i desire to have sex with.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get horny with the thoughts i have for the woman at work and which made me masturbate when i came home from work and also for choosing woman on the internet who had also blond hair as she does.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to used my breath to prolong my coming instead of using it to stop myself.
Self corrective statements.
I am not anger nor happiness, because both are feelings and emotions.
I am not my desires.
I am not my thoughts who makes me horny.
I am life and i am here.
Bye bye.......
Larry Manuela
Monday 17 January 2011
January 16, 2011
Well today was a normal quiet day as usual and i can remember that i have a thought running in my head that is making me a little uncomfortable, because i still have not receive my money and it the due day to pay desteni is approaching and i still haven't got the money to pay for the next month which is going to be February.
I have been walking with this thought for a while every now and then it pups-up in my mind, because i was thinking because this money is a little extra i can pay at least 2 months from it, but now i hope that i can get it on Wednesday so i can make the payment fast.
Later on in the evening i was chatting with my girlfriend and we were talking about sex and stuff and as i was talking to her about sex i came to the idea that this would be a nice topic to make a video of, so i did.
Before i made the video i talked to myself in the mirror a lot about this subject and act as if i am speaking in front of the camera and acting out what i was going to say and in which manner.
Initially i made a video of 24 minutes, but it was to long so i had to remove it and made another one.
I felt comfortable when i was talking in front of the camera and eventually what i talked about did not come about as i was playing it out in front of the mirror.
After i have done it felt good that i did so, even though i wanted to say more things, but i will leave it so for now.
up to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fear within me, because my due day to make my next payment is almost there and i still have not receive my money as i was suppose to, and also for ''hoping'' that it will arrive on time for me to do my payment.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to myself in front of the mirror playing out, how it is i was going to to talk about the subject of sex on video.
3) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be wanting more things to add to my video and also for feeling good about the video when it was done.
Self corrective statements.
I am not fear and also not hope, these are consciousness systems manifestations.
I am not my thoughts running around in my mind, and i am not my mind.
I am not wanting or of wanting, neither am i my feelings.
O.k. that was what happened most of my day that day that i could remember.
Bye bye........
Larry Manuela
I have been walking with this thought for a while every now and then it pups-up in my mind, because i was thinking because this money is a little extra i can pay at least 2 months from it, but now i hope that i can get it on Wednesday so i can make the payment fast.
Later on in the evening i was chatting with my girlfriend and we were talking about sex and stuff and as i was talking to her about sex i came to the idea that this would be a nice topic to make a video of, so i did.
Before i made the video i talked to myself in the mirror a lot about this subject and act as if i am speaking in front of the camera and acting out what i was going to say and in which manner.
Initially i made a video of 24 minutes, but it was to long so i had to remove it and made another one.
I felt comfortable when i was talking in front of the camera and eventually what i talked about did not come about as i was playing it out in front of the mirror.
After i have done it felt good that i did so, even though i wanted to say more things, but i will leave it so for now.
up to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fear within me, because my due day to make my next payment is almost there and i still have not receive my money as i was suppose to, and also for ''hoping'' that it will arrive on time for me to do my payment.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to myself in front of the mirror playing out, how it is i was going to to talk about the subject of sex on video.
3) i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be wanting more things to add to my video and also for feeling good about the video when it was done.
Self corrective statements.
I am not fear and also not hope, these are consciousness systems manifestations.
I am not my thoughts running around in my mind, and i am not my mind.
I am not wanting or of wanting, neither am i my feelings.
O.k. that was what happened most of my day that day that i could remember.
Bye bye........
Larry Manuela
Sunday 16 January 2011
January 15, 2011
I woke-up today and my day started as usual, nothing of the ordinary.
A friend of mine came over today and i had the thought of how he will react when i will tell him that i have not gotten the whole amount of money for him and that i had to used € 60,- of it because things got really difficult the last few days, so i had to use some of the money that i had for him.
I was ashamed that i have used that € 60,- from the amount i have to give him and me also at the same time being angry, because of the situation i am in where financially i am not in a position where i can pay everything as i am suppose to do so, because the money i get is just not enough.
We talked a little about what it is i am doing, because i was telling him that i am now in a process to stop my mind, because he told me he saw a video i put on facebook where i was talking about myself a little.
So i told him a little bit about the history of mankind and also what the desteni people are all about, and he found it to be interesting. Finally i gave him his money and we agreed upon that i will put the money that i owed him on his account, and so it was done.
Later on in the evening i was chatting with a girlfriend of mine and we were talking about sex and an stuff so i decided that tomorrow i will doing a video about that, a little about what we talked about.
Now for the self-forgiveness applications and statements.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind and imagining what it would be like when i will tell him that his money is not whole and in total of what it should be...
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry and ashamed because i had to take from the money that i had to give my friend due to me being in a financial difficulty right now.
Self corrective statements.
I am not my mind flashing images of what it would be like when i will tell my friend that is money is not whole and total as it should be.
I am not anger and not shame because i had to take from the money i had to give to my friend due to me being in a financial difficulty right now.
O.k. guys....that was it for this day.......bye bye
Larry Manuela
A friend of mine came over today and i had the thought of how he will react when i will tell him that i have not gotten the whole amount of money for him and that i had to used € 60,- of it because things got really difficult the last few days, so i had to use some of the money that i had for him.
I was ashamed that i have used that € 60,- from the amount i have to give him and me also at the same time being angry, because of the situation i am in where financially i am not in a position where i can pay everything as i am suppose to do so, because the money i get is just not enough.
We talked a little about what it is i am doing, because i was telling him that i am now in a process to stop my mind, because he told me he saw a video i put on facebook where i was talking about myself a little.
So i told him a little bit about the history of mankind and also what the desteni people are all about, and he found it to be interesting. Finally i gave him his money and we agreed upon that i will put the money that i owed him on his account, and so it was done.
Later on in the evening i was chatting with a girlfriend of mine and we were talking about sex and an stuff so i decided that tomorrow i will doing a video about that, a little about what we talked about.
Now for the self-forgiveness applications and statements.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind and imagining what it would be like when i will tell him that his money is not whole and in total of what it should be...
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry and ashamed because i had to take from the money that i had to give my friend due to me being in a financial difficulty right now.
Self corrective statements.
I am not my mind flashing images of what it would be like when i will tell my friend that is money is not whole and total as it should be.
I am not anger and not shame because i had to take from the money i had to give to my friend due to me being in a financial difficulty right now.
O.k. guys....that was it for this day.......bye bye
Larry Manuela
Saturday 15 January 2011
yesterday January 14, 2011
Well i started my day as usual nothing much to do and i watched the videos on youtube.
This day i didn't do much, i stayed inside for the whole day, and i didn't went out to anything.
Nothing much happened this day, i remember feeling a little bit bored but that is about it.
And yesterday i decided to put my first do my first vlog. It was interesting though, just a little uncomfortable but not in the sense of being afraid of being in front of the camera, but more afraid of what is it i would talk about.
But i think it went well,i was not nervous and anything like that, so that is a good sign.......lol
And to tell you the truth i don't really see the reason for being nervous either, because it is just like me talking to myself, i don't really have an life audience or something like that, and even with a life audience i think i would manage to just stay like i am.
So that was it for the day, those things i can remember then.......
now up to the forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bored and thinking that because i am alone i am bored.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a fear regarding the vlog that i have placed on the internet, because i didn't know what exactly i would talk about.
I am not my mind directing me telling me that i am bored, being bored is not who and what i am
I am not fear, fear is not who and what i am.
o.k. bye bye
Larry Manuela
This day i didn't do much, i stayed inside for the whole day, and i didn't went out to anything.
Nothing much happened this day, i remember feeling a little bit bored but that is about it.
And yesterday i decided to put my first do my first vlog. It was interesting though, just a little uncomfortable but not in the sense of being afraid of being in front of the camera, but more afraid of what is it i would talk about.
But i think it went well,i was not nervous and anything like that, so that is a good sign.......lol
And to tell you the truth i don't really see the reason for being nervous either, because it is just like me talking to myself, i don't really have an life audience or something like that, and even with a life audience i think i would manage to just stay like i am.
So that was it for the day, those things i can remember then.......
now up to the forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bored and thinking that because i am alone i am bored.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a fear regarding the vlog that i have placed on the internet, because i didn't know what exactly i would talk about.
I am not my mind directing me telling me that i am bored, being bored is not who and what i am
I am not fear, fear is not who and what i am.
o.k. bye bye
Larry Manuela
Friday 14 January 2011
yesterday January 13, 2011
Well, this day started as usual, nothing out of the ordinary, getting up, making my breakfast and taking a bath and cleaning my teeth and get ready to go to my semi-work. I call it semi-work, because it is not really work. It is just like a middle road to real work where the government in this country is placing you to do some production work and in doing so, they're making money out of you and giving you a little more money then if they have placed you in social services payroll.One can say it is more beneficial for them, then it is for the individual himself performing the work, and you get only a period of 3 months, to do this work and while you are there you have to keep on looking for a job before your 3 months expires.
I get angry and frustrated about these abuses a lot, because people just can't see the abuse they are accepting and allowing within participating within all of that none sense regulations and rules and laws.
When i was at work i could still see my mind working on my desire of looking at beautiful girls and woman, i am still looking at them with desires and wantings, the only different now is that i am working on myself to recognize them and stop me of doing what i am doing in order to stop participation in them, because i understand them to be abusive, of myself and others as me.
We had to work today in another location again and as we were there the people who are controlling the work are always looking at things about the work that we do, that are really irrelevant and making a great fuss about it all the time and they make us re-do everything again and i just refused to do that, because i find all of that to be very childish and stupid. They show you how to do something, but they don't tell you everything and all the things that you have to put more attention to and then when you have done everything in a certain way they come and look at it and tell you that you were supposed to do it like this or that, and that the way you did it was not correct. Well i can tell you that i find this to be very stupid, i mean why not tell me from the start exactly what you want so i don't make stupid mistakes and then put me in a situation where i have to do the same work over again.This is so stupid, so i just refused to work i just sat there and wait for the bell to ring for us to leave, because i am not participating in such stupid things where people like deliberately choose to make a fool out of you. So i just tell them that i will not do any more work, because i know for sure to that i did my work perfectly without any mistakes and if someone made mistake and especially even without knowing that he or she was doing so, because you didn't tell them what exactly to do at first hand, then i will not do this stupidity again, you correct your own mistakes.
And in the evening when i got home i got to chat with a girlfriend of mine whom i know for almost a year now, and i was telling her what she means to me and how i see her through my eyes. The thing is, and this i mean it to, she is very down to earth and very herself, and i am attracted to her as the whole of her.
we chatted till very late in the morning and we even put our webcams on to see each other what we do a lot, what has become something we just do, it is kind of like normal and we just sleep and leave everything on........lol
What also happened yesterday was, that i lost myself again in masturbation and using the ''youporn'' website again, same shit again.........this point of sexual desire is going to be the major one obstacle for me to understand it and work on it in order to defuse the patterns of it.
So that was my day that they and i am writing about it today.....lol
Up to the self-forgiveness applications now.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and the government in relation to the situation that is in this world as the system that me myself is accepting and allowing to exist in my world.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry and frustrated about the situation in this world and the system in itself to work on me like that in order to make me come as far as accepting and allowing anger and frustration to exist within me.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for letting my desires and wanting for the opposite sex to run wild in my mind and imagination when i look at beautiful girls or woman and still having the feeling of wanting to be with them in a relationship just for the sake of experiencing sex.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let people outside myself influence me to get emotional and angry, because of me seeing the stupidity and the deliberate action of trying to fool people in them, as i know it is what i see in myself that they are doing, and in this i react to these situations as being either angry and be rebellious towards those that i find are doing these things, but in being rebellious i am not being aggressive or anything, just not taking shit. And i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself right here within this self-forgiveness statement to find a way to of looking for a way to justify what i have thought or felt in my moment of experiencing the anger and thinking that those people are stupid, thinking in this whole self-forgiveness statement here that people will not understand what i mean so a like, give my experiencing of myself in that moment a purpose to be justifiable.
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge one of my girlfriends on her emotions and her feelings and the way she looks and the way she express herself just because i see in her all the things that i would love to have in a girlfriend if i would have one.
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen one more time even when i have made my self-forgiveness statements on this point for various times, and this is the point of sexually being attracted to the female beings and especially those who have white colored skin, because i perceive them to be beautiful because of how they look, and how they express themselves.
7) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to the temptation to watch pornography again in order to put myself into a horny situation so i can have a reason and purpose to hold my dick in my hand and masturbate.
Now to the self-corrective statements.
I am not a not my mind that is using judgemental thoughts about myself and about others as myself.
I am not anger and frustration
I am not my desires and imaginations of desires when it comes to anything in this world, in this existence, that are of my mind consciousness systems
I am not my sexual desires
I am not influenced by other peoples thoughts and emotions, it can only happen if i give permission to it either directly or indirectly.
I am not feelings and emotions that are of life and that i put more value in them then life itself.
O.k. guys this was it for this day, till next time.....
Larry Manuela
I get angry and frustrated about these abuses a lot, because people just can't see the abuse they are accepting and allowing within participating within all of that none sense regulations and rules and laws.
When i was at work i could still see my mind working on my desire of looking at beautiful girls and woman, i am still looking at them with desires and wantings, the only different now is that i am working on myself to recognize them and stop me of doing what i am doing in order to stop participation in them, because i understand them to be abusive, of myself and others as me.
We had to work today in another location again and as we were there the people who are controlling the work are always looking at things about the work that we do, that are really irrelevant and making a great fuss about it all the time and they make us re-do everything again and i just refused to do that, because i find all of that to be very childish and stupid. They show you how to do something, but they don't tell you everything and all the things that you have to put more attention to and then when you have done everything in a certain way they come and look at it and tell you that you were supposed to do it like this or that, and that the way you did it was not correct. Well i can tell you that i find this to be very stupid, i mean why not tell me from the start exactly what you want so i don't make stupid mistakes and then put me in a situation where i have to do the same work over again.This is so stupid, so i just refused to work i just sat there and wait for the bell to ring for us to leave, because i am not participating in such stupid things where people like deliberately choose to make a fool out of you. So i just tell them that i will not do any more work, because i know for sure to that i did my work perfectly without any mistakes and if someone made mistake and especially even without knowing that he or she was doing so, because you didn't tell them what exactly to do at first hand, then i will not do this stupidity again, you correct your own mistakes.
And in the evening when i got home i got to chat with a girlfriend of mine whom i know for almost a year now, and i was telling her what she means to me and how i see her through my eyes. The thing is, and this i mean it to, she is very down to earth and very herself, and i am attracted to her as the whole of her.
we chatted till very late in the morning and we even put our webcams on to see each other what we do a lot, what has become something we just do, it is kind of like normal and we just sleep and leave everything on........lol
What also happened yesterday was, that i lost myself again in masturbation and using the ''youporn'' website again, same shit again.........this point of sexual desire is going to be the major one obstacle for me to understand it and work on it in order to defuse the patterns of it.
So that was my day that they and i am writing about it today.....lol
Up to the self-forgiveness applications now.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and the government in relation to the situation that is in this world as the system that me myself is accepting and allowing to exist in my world.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry and frustrated about the situation in this world and the system in itself to work on me like that in order to make me come as far as accepting and allowing anger and frustration to exist within me.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for letting my desires and wanting for the opposite sex to run wild in my mind and imagination when i look at beautiful girls or woman and still having the feeling of wanting to be with them in a relationship just for the sake of experiencing sex.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let people outside myself influence me to get emotional and angry, because of me seeing the stupidity and the deliberate action of trying to fool people in them, as i know it is what i see in myself that they are doing, and in this i react to these situations as being either angry and be rebellious towards those that i find are doing these things, but in being rebellious i am not being aggressive or anything, just not taking shit. And i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself right here within this self-forgiveness statement to find a way to of looking for a way to justify what i have thought or felt in my moment of experiencing the anger and thinking that those people are stupid, thinking in this whole self-forgiveness statement here that people will not understand what i mean so a like, give my experiencing of myself in that moment a purpose to be justifiable.
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge one of my girlfriends on her emotions and her feelings and the way she looks and the way she express herself just because i see in her all the things that i would love to have in a girlfriend if i would have one.
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen one more time even when i have made my self-forgiveness statements on this point for various times, and this is the point of sexually being attracted to the female beings and especially those who have white colored skin, because i perceive them to be beautiful because of how they look, and how they express themselves.
7) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to the temptation to watch pornography again in order to put myself into a horny situation so i can have a reason and purpose to hold my dick in my hand and masturbate.
Now to the self-corrective statements.
I am not a not my mind that is using judgemental thoughts about myself and about others as myself.
I am not anger and frustration
I am not my desires and imaginations of desires when it comes to anything in this world, in this existence, that are of my mind consciousness systems
I am not my sexual desires
I am not influenced by other peoples thoughts and emotions, it can only happen if i give permission to it either directly or indirectly.
I am not feelings and emotions that are of life and that i put more value in them then life itself.
O.k. guys this was it for this day, till next time.....
Larry Manuela
Thursday 13 January 2011
Wednesday 12 January 2011
today and yesterday...
this is from January 11, 2011
I woke-up early today and went to work on my bicycle and on the half way there i remembered that i did not take my lock-key with me.
Because of this i got a little scared, because now i got myself thinking that if someone finds out that my bicycle is not locked they can easily steal it from me.
Then when i got at work and put my bicycle in a place where it seems more likely to not be noticed, i placed it between some other bicycles and make it less seen. I then got inside the building, signed in and sat down. a few moments after our floor manager came to me telling me that i have to go to another location to perform working activities, which i was not happy with at all, because i find this to be very unfair, due to the fact that when one get to work outside on another location, you are going to work harder and most of all you are not going to have the opportunity to apply for freshly incoming jobs as those who are in the building, when they are being placed.
I decided to got this time because he said that there were someone who had to go but he was not present that day, so that is why he is sending me. And i told him in my mind,kind of like talking to myself, that this will only happen today and it will not happen again, because next time i am just going to say: ''no''
This was the main thing today, that worked on my nerves, because of me knowing that he is choosing me only because i am the quiet type of person that he thinks won't rejects his command.
After work i got home, i ate and after i have done this, i felt like a little bit alone and decided that this would be a perfect time to masturbate a little and so it happened, i put the website of youporn on and masturbate watching a woman reaching her orgasm using a ''fuck machine'' WTF........lol
I have noticed something about myself, and this i must share also.
When i am getting in a mood so to speak and wanting myself to masturbate, it is always from the starting point of; when i am feeling a little like alone, like i am bored, have nothing to do and it is quiet. It is like i have made masturbation the outlet of me being bored.
January 12, 2011
My day started very strange and fucked up today.......why...??
Because i was told that i had a meeting with some people and it turned out to be that there was no meeting planned at all, and that i got there for the meeting wasting my time. Because somehow someone fooled me by letting me go all the way to the office. I got there and the minute they told me, but we don't see your name anywhere here, are you sure you have to be here for a appointment...?? I said yes i am sure because i had to fill in a form on the internet and then called in using the phone number from this office and in order to make an appointment, so here i am. I took all the necessary steps as is required i told him. So he said: ''o.k., take a seat and we will see what we can do.'' I was already angry about this, because i was fooled and i don't like this. Eventually my working coach i had before came to me after a lot of asking and stuff and he called the people of the government and told them that they have made a mistake in making an appointment about well-fair when this person does not have to that at all,because i already sent him to a project, of the government itself.
Then everything was done and i went back to where i needed to be in the first place.
When i was at work i got to talk to some people at work about the monetary system and about an equal money system that we need to agree upon as a whole in order to stop the abuses in this world. But they of course laugh at me, and thought that, it is something very nice but it is impossible to implement. i told them then that it is possible, we can do it, it is just an agreement the same as we are doing right now, agreeing that money should be shared in inequality, only the we agree that it is shared in equality.
They listen for a while but they are not really interesting, even though i tried to explain to them how the system works a little and they saw the common sense in it all, but yet, they are not really into doing something practical to bring this about.
Eventually work ended and i got home and when i went on my myspace i saw that a girl that i requested to be friends with there told me that it would be cool to share msn's and chat, so we did and we are chatting and talking about a lot of things. She is attractive though and i like the way she looks like.
So that was it for these two days.
Now up to my self-forgiveness statements.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get scared because i remembered that i forgot my lock-key at home, and that could mean that my bicycle can be stolen if someone notice that i don't have a key.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at my field manager for sending me to work outside on another location, where i would be missing my opportunities to apply for work like the others and also for working harder at those locations then the others that stay behind.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind and thinking that i am saying to my floor manager that this is the first and last time that i am going to do this, because the next time i am going to say: ''no''
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself fall into a situation where the situation worked on my nerves, so i can be in my mind instead of here with my breath as one, and for judging myself and my floor manager into believing that he is choosing me because of me being a quiet guy, which i am, but not when it comes to me being used.
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get home and felt alone and felt like i needed, due to this aloneness, start to masturbate using video pictures on the internet where a woman worked herself to an orgasm using a ''fuck machine''
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into a mood where i can find ,myself masturbating, in this manner giving into the temptation and the desire to have an orgasm and to use masturbation as a means to get off of my boredom.
7) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be agitated at the security guard when he asked me if i really had an appointment at that office, because of me already knowing that i have done exactly what was required to be done in order to make an appointment as it is by their laws.
8) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry because of myself thinking that i was fooled by someone to go to the office which resulted for me being there when the person did not put my name on the list for people who would be coming in for appointments.
9) I forgive myself to judge others by the way they showed me with their body language that what i was proposing as an equal money system would be something impossible.
Now my self corrective statements. this is the part that you would not get to see, you will only see it here in writing but, i put it here, because if i fail again on the points where i made my self corrective statement, meaning that these statement would have to be lived by me in the actual living right here in the physical in my everyday moments.
I make the statement to live me fully here in breath and not to fall into the traps of my mind and also not to judge people based on their body language and also not to judge myself in relation to others in what i assume they must be thinking of me, while all this is my own thoughts, accompany with some feelings and emotions.
I make the statement to never again put myself into a situation where i delude myself that i am alone and that now would be a good time to mess around with my dick and sent myself in some orgasm masturbating myself out of boredom and using pornographic videos to get the pace going better as i believe it to be in my mind.
O.k. that was it for these two days.
Bye bye..........till soon.
Larry Manuela
I woke-up early today and went to work on my bicycle and on the half way there i remembered that i did not take my lock-key with me.
Because of this i got a little scared, because now i got myself thinking that if someone finds out that my bicycle is not locked they can easily steal it from me.
Then when i got at work and put my bicycle in a place where it seems more likely to not be noticed, i placed it between some other bicycles and make it less seen. I then got inside the building, signed in and sat down. a few moments after our floor manager came to me telling me that i have to go to another location to perform working activities, which i was not happy with at all, because i find this to be very unfair, due to the fact that when one get to work outside on another location, you are going to work harder and most of all you are not going to have the opportunity to apply for freshly incoming jobs as those who are in the building, when they are being placed.
I decided to got this time because he said that there were someone who had to go but he was not present that day, so that is why he is sending me. And i told him in my mind,kind of like talking to myself, that this will only happen today and it will not happen again, because next time i am just going to say: ''no''
This was the main thing today, that worked on my nerves, because of me knowing that he is choosing me only because i am the quiet type of person that he thinks won't rejects his command.
After work i got home, i ate and after i have done this, i felt like a little bit alone and decided that this would be a perfect time to masturbate a little and so it happened, i put the website of youporn on and masturbate watching a woman reaching her orgasm using a ''fuck machine'' WTF........lol
I have noticed something about myself, and this i must share also.
When i am getting in a mood so to speak and wanting myself to masturbate, it is always from the starting point of; when i am feeling a little like alone, like i am bored, have nothing to do and it is quiet. It is like i have made masturbation the outlet of me being bored.
January 12, 2011
My day started very strange and fucked up today.......why...??
Because i was told that i had a meeting with some people and it turned out to be that there was no meeting planned at all, and that i got there for the meeting wasting my time. Because somehow someone fooled me by letting me go all the way to the office. I got there and the minute they told me, but we don't see your name anywhere here, are you sure you have to be here for a appointment...?? I said yes i am sure because i had to fill in a form on the internet and then called in using the phone number from this office and in order to make an appointment, so here i am. I took all the necessary steps as is required i told him. So he said: ''o.k., take a seat and we will see what we can do.'' I was already angry about this, because i was fooled and i don't like this. Eventually my working coach i had before came to me after a lot of asking and stuff and he called the people of the government and told them that they have made a mistake in making an appointment about well-fair when this person does not have to that at all,because i already sent him to a project, of the government itself.
Then everything was done and i went back to where i needed to be in the first place.
When i was at work i got to talk to some people at work about the monetary system and about an equal money system that we need to agree upon as a whole in order to stop the abuses in this world. But they of course laugh at me, and thought that, it is something very nice but it is impossible to implement. i told them then that it is possible, we can do it, it is just an agreement the same as we are doing right now, agreeing that money should be shared in inequality, only the we agree that it is shared in equality.
They listen for a while but they are not really interesting, even though i tried to explain to them how the system works a little and they saw the common sense in it all, but yet, they are not really into doing something practical to bring this about.
Eventually work ended and i got home and when i went on my myspace i saw that a girl that i requested to be friends with there told me that it would be cool to share msn's and chat, so we did and we are chatting and talking about a lot of things. She is attractive though and i like the way she looks like.
So that was it for these two days.
Now up to my self-forgiveness statements.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get scared because i remembered that i forgot my lock-key at home, and that could mean that my bicycle can be stolen if someone notice that i don't have a key.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at my field manager for sending me to work outside on another location, where i would be missing my opportunities to apply for work like the others and also for working harder at those locations then the others that stay behind.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind and thinking that i am saying to my floor manager that this is the first and last time that i am going to do this, because the next time i am going to say: ''no''
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself fall into a situation where the situation worked on my nerves, so i can be in my mind instead of here with my breath as one, and for judging myself and my floor manager into believing that he is choosing me because of me being a quiet guy, which i am, but not when it comes to me being used.
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get home and felt alone and felt like i needed, due to this aloneness, start to masturbate using video pictures on the internet where a woman worked herself to an orgasm using a ''fuck machine''
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into a mood where i can find ,myself masturbating, in this manner giving into the temptation and the desire to have an orgasm and to use masturbation as a means to get off of my boredom.
7) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be agitated at the security guard when he asked me if i really had an appointment at that office, because of me already knowing that i have done exactly what was required to be done in order to make an appointment as it is by their laws.
8) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry because of myself thinking that i was fooled by someone to go to the office which resulted for me being there when the person did not put my name on the list for people who would be coming in for appointments.
9) I forgive myself to judge others by the way they showed me with their body language that what i was proposing as an equal money system would be something impossible.
Now my self corrective statements. this is the part that you would not get to see, you will only see it here in writing but, i put it here, because if i fail again on the points where i made my self corrective statement, meaning that these statement would have to be lived by me in the actual living right here in the physical in my everyday moments.
I make the statement to live me fully here in breath and not to fall into the traps of my mind and also not to judge people based on their body language and also not to judge myself in relation to others in what i assume they must be thinking of me, while all this is my own thoughts, accompany with some feelings and emotions.
I make the statement to never again put myself into a situation where i delude myself that i am alone and that now would be a good time to mess around with my dick and sent myself in some orgasm masturbating myself out of boredom and using pornographic videos to get the pace going better as i believe it to be in my mind.
O.k. that was it for these two days.
Bye bye..........till soon.
Larry Manuela
Tuesday 11 January 2011
Monday 10 January 2011
my first semi-work day today...
Hi everyone,
Well i got up early today because i needed to go to work today, as it was my first day and needed to be there on 10:00 in the morning. but i put my alarm clock on 08:15 in the morning the day before in order not to oversleep and be late for my day work.
I got up on time and took a shower and made my lunch ready to take it to work and when i was done doing all the things i normally do at home before going out, i took off walking to the bus stop and when i arrived there at this bus-stop there was a chines girl waiting there for the bus, and i said; good morning, but she did not reply back as is in most cases here in this particular area, and i thought to myself, maybe she didn't want to say something because maybe because me being a black guy, i would probably hit on her, because that is the main thought people have on their minds regarding black young guys especially around girls, this is what they usually think and find and in most cases it is true to, black young man, are always kind of like on a hunt.......lol
But i stayed there waiting with her for a while but saw that the bus was taking to long so i decided to walk, because the train station where i have to take another bus is not far anyways, so i start walking and as i was walking i was concentrating on my breath in order to see where and when i missed a breath so i can start all over again, and so i continued walking and walking till i have reached the train station. There i waited for a few minutes on the bus i needed and when it drove a little to the front in order for the people to step on the bus, i gathered also in the line to step on the bus.
As i was sitting in the bus and the bus started driving i was looking all over me, just to look and contemplate what is going on around me and stuff and also looking at people on the bus and mostly i noticed girls more often, of course me being a man i noticed girls more often,and specially when they are white.
And most of the times i noticed them and i see one that has a pretty face, i say to myself: waaww, that is a pretty one....??....lol
Eventually the bus stopped where i needed to get out and so i did and cross the road over and decided to walk a little slower after i have taken my phone out of my pocket to see what time it was. I could see that i still had about 20 minutes time left to reach on time so i took the walking slowly.
When i got to the door that, outside at the entrance i met with a man whom i assume his wife must have left him there at work and i said; hello and he did say hello back.
When i was approaching the door the get inside the building where i needed to go in and where my working place would be i started thinking how the people are going to react when they see someone new come in, and as soon as i was in the building all eyes were on me as i already thought and as is usual when someone walks in that no-one has seen before of course.
I walked passed them all and said hello to them, and went to the office to tell the chef that i am present,and he asked me, if i had my safety shoes on, and i said yes.....and he says; o.k..
the reason he asked me this was, because he already knew me from the past year,that i was also there, almost in the same period. so he then said; you already know the drill so take a seat and see what there is to do and you can start. But when i came in the building it was braking time, so i went to sit and decided to eat the lunch a took, and when i finished and the bell rang we started working.
And i have chosen to sit on a table with some other colleague and there was not that much conversation then going on due to the fact that i am the one who is new, so no-one is going to talk to me that easy and when one is the first day at work. but eventually some did talk to me but it was not much. They asked me if i wanted some food, because they were eating and they could see that i was not eating so, they asked me if i wanted a peace of bread, but i said; no, because i at that particular time had already eaten all my lunch and was not hungry, so that is why i said; no.
Then late in the afternoon it turned 16:30 and time to go home came and we all signed in our names and left the building each one taking their own ways to their homes.
I walked to the bus-stop again to wait for the bus, and as i got to the bus-stop there was some people there and i remember myself looking and them and there was a young light brown girl who looked very attractive and i was looking at her and thinking: ''o.k. she is nice to, very nice face, but a little to young''
So we got on the bus and as usual i love to look at people on the bus and mostly girls, i look for the ones that i find nice looking of course, which are usually white girls.
Eventually the bus arrived at the train station and i got out and start walking home and as i was walking home , i was thinking; now i have to go home put my things that i have with me at home and then get out again to go to the grocery store to buy some stuff that i need at home. So i did just that and walked to the grocery store and asked them there if they could cash in a lottery i bought with new years eve. And it resulted that i have won a small amount of money: '' € 5,-''...............lol
The girl there asked me if i wanted to play again and i said yes and i bought to tickets again, and it costs me: ''€ 6,-''........
So i bought the things i needed and went home and prepared my dinner very fast because i was very hungry at the time i reached home.
And when the dinner was done i sit and ate and it was delicious......lol
Now up to the self-forgiveness statements of this particular day.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and putting the alarm just in case of me not waking up from myself.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another based on what i think about them and what is common among the people, that i judged that the chines girl didn't great me because of it having something to do with my race background, for we are known in this country to be womanizers and the men don't think twice when they have a chance with a girl.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still be in the desire of wanting a white girl to be with, and are mostly based on sexual desires.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at beautiful white girls and going: ''waaww, that is a pretty one..''
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for assuming that the man i met outside the gate was getting out of the car of his wife, because it could have been anyone for that matter and not necessarily his wife.
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the reactions of other people towards me and when i saw the reaction of them towards me i had a feeling of ''being right'' about the thought i had about them going to look at me because of me being there for the first time.
7) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the behaviors of others towards me at the table due to me thinking and believing that they might be quiet because of me being new in their environment, their safe and comfortable space.
8) I forgive myself to accept and allow myself to judge the young light browned skinned girl based on her looks, and to even go as far as to measure if she could be a good catch or not due to her looking: 'a little to young'
9) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at girls on the bus and looking only for those who are white based on my personal desires i have with white girls.
10) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind make decision for me regarding my grocery that i needed to do when i got home.
11) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gave in to hope, hoping that i maybe could win a sum of money so i can pay my course that i am doing in one go, or at least some months in advance, to be sure of those at least.
Thank you and bye bye......
Larry Manuela
Well i got up early today because i needed to go to work today, as it was my first day and needed to be there on 10:00 in the morning. but i put my alarm clock on 08:15 in the morning the day before in order not to oversleep and be late for my day work.
I got up on time and took a shower and made my lunch ready to take it to work and when i was done doing all the things i normally do at home before going out, i took off walking to the bus stop and when i arrived there at this bus-stop there was a chines girl waiting there for the bus, and i said; good morning, but she did not reply back as is in most cases here in this particular area, and i thought to myself, maybe she didn't want to say something because maybe because me being a black guy, i would probably hit on her, because that is the main thought people have on their minds regarding black young guys especially around girls, this is what they usually think and find and in most cases it is true to, black young man, are always kind of like on a hunt.......lol
But i stayed there waiting with her for a while but saw that the bus was taking to long so i decided to walk, because the train station where i have to take another bus is not far anyways, so i start walking and as i was walking i was concentrating on my breath in order to see where and when i missed a breath so i can start all over again, and so i continued walking and walking till i have reached the train station. There i waited for a few minutes on the bus i needed and when it drove a little to the front in order for the people to step on the bus, i gathered also in the line to step on the bus.
As i was sitting in the bus and the bus started driving i was looking all over me, just to look and contemplate what is going on around me and stuff and also looking at people on the bus and mostly i noticed girls more often, of course me being a man i noticed girls more often,and specially when they are white.
And most of the times i noticed them and i see one that has a pretty face, i say to myself: waaww, that is a pretty one....??....lol
Eventually the bus stopped where i needed to get out and so i did and cross the road over and decided to walk a little slower after i have taken my phone out of my pocket to see what time it was. I could see that i still had about 20 minutes time left to reach on time so i took the walking slowly.
When i got to the door that, outside at the entrance i met with a man whom i assume his wife must have left him there at work and i said; hello and he did say hello back.
When i was approaching the door the get inside the building where i needed to go in and where my working place would be i started thinking how the people are going to react when they see someone new come in, and as soon as i was in the building all eyes were on me as i already thought and as is usual when someone walks in that no-one has seen before of course.
I walked passed them all and said hello to them, and went to the office to tell the chef that i am present,and he asked me, if i had my safety shoes on, and i said yes.....and he says; o.k..
the reason he asked me this was, because he already knew me from the past year,that i was also there, almost in the same period. so he then said; you already know the drill so take a seat and see what there is to do and you can start. But when i came in the building it was braking time, so i went to sit and decided to eat the lunch a took, and when i finished and the bell rang we started working.
And i have chosen to sit on a table with some other colleague and there was not that much conversation then going on due to the fact that i am the one who is new, so no-one is going to talk to me that easy and when one is the first day at work. but eventually some did talk to me but it was not much. They asked me if i wanted some food, because they were eating and they could see that i was not eating so, they asked me if i wanted a peace of bread, but i said; no, because i at that particular time had already eaten all my lunch and was not hungry, so that is why i said; no.
Then late in the afternoon it turned 16:30 and time to go home came and we all signed in our names and left the building each one taking their own ways to their homes.
I walked to the bus-stop again to wait for the bus, and as i got to the bus-stop there was some people there and i remember myself looking and them and there was a young light brown girl who looked very attractive and i was looking at her and thinking: ''o.k. she is nice to, very nice face, but a little to young''
So we got on the bus and as usual i love to look at people on the bus and mostly girls, i look for the ones that i find nice looking of course, which are usually white girls.
Eventually the bus arrived at the train station and i got out and start walking home and as i was walking home , i was thinking; now i have to go home put my things that i have with me at home and then get out again to go to the grocery store to buy some stuff that i need at home. So i did just that and walked to the grocery store and asked them there if they could cash in a lottery i bought with new years eve. And it resulted that i have won a small amount of money: '' € 5,-''...............lol
The girl there asked me if i wanted to play again and i said yes and i bought to tickets again, and it costs me: ''€ 6,-''........
So i bought the things i needed and went home and prepared my dinner very fast because i was very hungry at the time i reached home.
And when the dinner was done i sit and ate and it was delicious......lol
Now up to the self-forgiveness statements of this particular day.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and putting the alarm just in case of me not waking up from myself.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another based on what i think about them and what is common among the people, that i judged that the chines girl didn't great me because of it having something to do with my race background, for we are known in this country to be womanizers and the men don't think twice when they have a chance with a girl.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still be in the desire of wanting a white girl to be with, and are mostly based on sexual desires.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at beautiful white girls and going: ''waaww, that is a pretty one..''
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for assuming that the man i met outside the gate was getting out of the car of his wife, because it could have been anyone for that matter and not necessarily his wife.
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the reactions of other people towards me and when i saw the reaction of them towards me i had a feeling of ''being right'' about the thought i had about them going to look at me because of me being there for the first time.
7) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the behaviors of others towards me at the table due to me thinking and believing that they might be quiet because of me being new in their environment, their safe and comfortable space.
8) I forgive myself to accept and allow myself to judge the young light browned skinned girl based on her looks, and to even go as far as to measure if she could be a good catch or not due to her looking: 'a little to young'
9) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at girls on the bus and looking only for those who are white based on my personal desires i have with white girls.
10) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind make decision for me regarding my grocery that i needed to do when i got home.
11) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gave in to hope, hoping that i maybe could win a sum of money so i can pay my course that i am doing in one go, or at least some months in advance, to be sure of those at least.
Thank you and bye bye......
Larry Manuela
Sunday 9 January 2011
yesterday and today..
My day started ''normal'' as all of my days usually start as it is within the unfolding of my life as it is right now, in the current moment,where i am out of work at the moment, which is very boring.
I got up and decided that it would be nice to shave my head this day and so i did.
As i was shaving my head i was thinking after looking in the mirror that maybe it would be better if i would use the trimmer in another position i could get my head even more shaved, i mean get more hair shaved of my head.
i also noticed that i look good with my head shaved, that is at least what i find....lol
throughout the day i was watching the videos on the desteni website and re-read some of the informations, especially the information that seem to strike me the most or are very much touch me in some way or another.
Later on my friend called me and ask me if i wanted to come over and stay with her for a while, which i said yes to of course, because i really don't had anything to do anyways, and a day or two out and to investigate and test my breathing technique would not be a bad idea at all.
I went there and we eat and we talked and also watched some television and as we were eating we were talking about a lot of stuff, and i was observing my own breathing and see if any thought or judgement would come up within me about myself and about her and the things she was talking about.
I could see that when she asked if i would like to eat some more and i respond with a; ''no'' and she said: ' o.k. then i will put it aside for you tomorrow so you can eat it.' Now the way she said it was nothing wrong with it, but she thought all by herself that she was a little to demanding, and she told me that she was sorry because of the way she told talked to me about the leftover food. But i didn't feel anything at all, only when she said that she was sorry did i feel a little sorry, but not for myself but for her, because i found that there was nothing to be sorry for,because she just told me something and it wasn't rude or whatever, she just asked me a normal question, but she thought she asked it in a rude way, but she didn't and i told her also that she was not rude at all so i don't see why she should be saying sorry, for that.
Then we were done eating i helped here in the kitchen cleaning up the the stuff, then we went to sit and watch some television, but it is her mostly watching television and me watching or reading my stuff on the desteni website. I usually when i am there at her house i don't go into the material that deep, because i find that not to be nice, because she is asking me to come and keep her company for a while and i am there on my laptop reading or listening to my stuff, i don't find this a nice thing to do, so i listen for a while and read some articles but after a while i give her some attention.
After a while she got tired of watching television and she told me that she was going to bed and she asked me if i am going to stay up or am i going to go to bed to, and i said; 'yes' because one more time it would not be nice to be in someone's house where they invited you and stay up all night and kind of like be there but yet not really there because your on your laptop all the time......lol
So we went to sleep and we were talking than on the bed about a lot of things and i was telling her about hte ITD course and a little bit about the second lesson i received and stuff.
I told her that in this second lesson they have a put a picture of the Atlanteans, how they looked like when they existed and i also was telling her that they were dimensional being and they never manifested with the planet itself as the planet was getting more and more 3D.
But she could not understand this, because she doesn't know about the Atlanteans, she never heard from them so............but i told her a little bit about the assumptions about the Atlanteans we have in our known histories, but what is known of them is very little and there is even some whom believe that maybe they didn't even existed, that it was just a crazy believe some people had in the past.
Eventually she kissed me goodnight and she went to sleep, and i was before i went to sleep only busy in my mind trying to see how it is i am going to put all these things later on in writing.
Then eventually i did go to sleep and in the morning she greeted me with a rub on my dick and she was telling me that she just wanted to see if the little guy was awake, and of course he was......lol
So she decided to give me a blow job, which i did not say;'no' to of course.
As all this was happening i was concentrating on my breath, because i wanted to test out how it would be when i am at one with my breath when having sex, so she was sucking my dick and after a while she decided to climb over me so i can do a little pussy eating ,myself, so i again would not say; 'no' of course.....lol
that continued for a while and it came to pass that i turned her over and continue eating her pussy till she was completely satisfied and once and a while when she was in her state of deep enjoyment she would suck a little on my dick, which i would not mind of course. So i continue till she was very much wet and i started also pushing my fingers into her pussy rubbing her a little inside to.
After she had enough and could not take it anymore she turned aside and give me with the indication of her body language that she wanted me to penetrate her now, which i did of course, but while all this was going on i was concentrating on my breathing and more and more into the sexual experience i started feeling just nothing and my dick started to feel like it was being cut, kind of like little cuts on the head of the dick something like that, and it felt like it was burning a little because of these little cuts. but i continue trusting myself into her till i just stopped because i could see that she was already satisfied and the need for me to continue was not necessary. so i just stopped. and when i stopped she asked me if i had come...and i said: ''no, i haven't.'' She than asked me why...?? She told me that most man, have to come in order to really be satisfied and i respond with a: ''no''
After that we got out of bed, took a bath and made some breakfast and sat down and ate.
I wanted to look for some information regarding ''fat'' on the desteni website, because she is having some difficulty getting fat and her cholesterol is a little bit high and also her sugar is a little high and she is a little worried about that. And i was telling her about a video that someone did on the desteni website where i think it was Sunette who was explaining why fat accumulate around certain body parts and areas, but i couldn't find the video or the article where that specific information was placed. I promised her that i will look for it and after i have got it i will give her the information on it.
Later in the evening a couple of hours before i came back home we sat and eat the succulent dinner she prepared and as always when i am about to eat i always thank my food that i am about to eat, that i am grateful for me supporting me as the food i am eating and the drink that i am drinking for supporting me in this world in this moment and for nourishing my human physical body, as Lilly suggested in one of her videos she has done about vegetarian.
Then after dinner i helped her clean the kitchen again and we went to sit and watched television for a while and we talked some little about the news that was on the television and it was about he guy that shut some people in the united states and she was talking about how people are getting crazier by the day each day, and i was thinking by myself of course; '' they were always crazy, you mean...''
Eventually i told her that i have to head on home now because i have my writing to do and i prefer to do it at home because there i don't feel like i have to consider me being in your home and stuff i can just write without having to take someone's feelings and emotions into consideration and this way i am more free to, to write on my own pace.
And for the sake of this blog i must say that she is just a friend of mine,she is not a girl-friend or anything like that of me, we used to date but not anymore, and now and then when she wanted i go by her and we spent some time together, and sometimes we have sex and sometimes we don't. i told her that i was going into my process, and that in order for me to be ,more effective it would be difficult for us to be with each other, because i will change and she is not yet in a position to take this road, so what can i do....??
But soon as for from today i am going to tell her that sex is also going to be out of the question, because i will be deluding myself and have sex based on desire and that is unacceptable in my process.
So here i am now writing my stuff and now that i am about to finish i am going to go to see where i have to apply my self-forgiveness on the points that i wrote right here right now.
My self-forgiveness application on this blog:
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for seeing myself and experiencing myself for being out of work as something that is of boredom.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for seeing myself in the mirror and also for seeing me with a bold head as definable as ''good looking'' with my head shaved.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my friend when she thought that she was being rude to me about the saving of some food for me to eat the day after.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into a situation where i have to compromise myself to please some other people when i know i have to be concentrated on my tasks.
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nice just because i am in the company of some other people's houses, because i am thinking that they may find me having bad manners, to come to their homes and act as if it is my home and not only that but also for doing my things and giving them very little attention.
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into temptation even when i was using my breath in order for me to have sex, because it was still me desiring to have sex and feel a wet pussy.
7) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about myself writing on my blog and not necessarily knowing anyways what the heck i was going to ile i was write about anyways.
8) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue hurting my body, in this case my dick a body part of mine when i was experiencing pain that was like little cuts on my dick and also that it felt like a burning sensation.
9) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the information on the television and saying: ''they were always crazy you mean''
10) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in believing that only at home would be a comfortable place for me to write, which is not entirely true.
Thank you very much and i am open for all your comments.
bye bye.......................
Larry Manuela
I got up and decided that it would be nice to shave my head this day and so i did.
As i was shaving my head i was thinking after looking in the mirror that maybe it would be better if i would use the trimmer in another position i could get my head even more shaved, i mean get more hair shaved of my head.
i also noticed that i look good with my head shaved, that is at least what i find....lol
throughout the day i was watching the videos on the desteni website and re-read some of the informations, especially the information that seem to strike me the most or are very much touch me in some way or another.
Later on my friend called me and ask me if i wanted to come over and stay with her for a while, which i said yes to of course, because i really don't had anything to do anyways, and a day or two out and to investigate and test my breathing technique would not be a bad idea at all.
I went there and we eat and we talked and also watched some television and as we were eating we were talking about a lot of stuff, and i was observing my own breathing and see if any thought or judgement would come up within me about myself and about her and the things she was talking about.
I could see that when she asked if i would like to eat some more and i respond with a; ''no'' and she said: ' o.k. then i will put it aside for you tomorrow so you can eat it.' Now the way she said it was nothing wrong with it, but she thought all by herself that she was a little to demanding, and she told me that she was sorry because of the way she told talked to me about the leftover food. But i didn't feel anything at all, only when she said that she was sorry did i feel a little sorry, but not for myself but for her, because i found that there was nothing to be sorry for,because she just told me something and it wasn't rude or whatever, she just asked me a normal question, but she thought she asked it in a rude way, but she didn't and i told her also that she was not rude at all so i don't see why she should be saying sorry, for that.
Then we were done eating i helped here in the kitchen cleaning up the the stuff, then we went to sit and watch some television, but it is her mostly watching television and me watching or reading my stuff on the desteni website. I usually when i am there at her house i don't go into the material that deep, because i find that not to be nice, because she is asking me to come and keep her company for a while and i am there on my laptop reading or listening to my stuff, i don't find this a nice thing to do, so i listen for a while and read some articles but after a while i give her some attention.
After a while she got tired of watching television and she told me that she was going to bed and she asked me if i am going to stay up or am i going to go to bed to, and i said; 'yes' because one more time it would not be nice to be in someone's house where they invited you and stay up all night and kind of like be there but yet not really there because your on your laptop all the time......lol
So we went to sleep and we were talking than on the bed about a lot of things and i was telling her about hte ITD course and a little bit about the second lesson i received and stuff.
I told her that in this second lesson they have a put a picture of the Atlanteans, how they looked like when they existed and i also was telling her that they were dimensional being and they never manifested with the planet itself as the planet was getting more and more 3D.
But she could not understand this, because she doesn't know about the Atlanteans, she never heard from them so............but i told her a little bit about the assumptions about the Atlanteans we have in our known histories, but what is known of them is very little and there is even some whom believe that maybe they didn't even existed, that it was just a crazy believe some people had in the past.
Eventually she kissed me goodnight and she went to sleep, and i was before i went to sleep only busy in my mind trying to see how it is i am going to put all these things later on in writing.
Then eventually i did go to sleep and in the morning she greeted me with a rub on my dick and she was telling me that she just wanted to see if the little guy was awake, and of course he was......lol
So she decided to give me a blow job, which i did not say;'no' to of course.
As all this was happening i was concentrating on my breath, because i wanted to test out how it would be when i am at one with my breath when having sex, so she was sucking my dick and after a while she decided to climb over me so i can do a little pussy eating ,myself, so i again would not say; 'no' of course.....lol
that continued for a while and it came to pass that i turned her over and continue eating her pussy till she was completely satisfied and once and a while when she was in her state of deep enjoyment she would suck a little on my dick, which i would not mind of course. So i continue till she was very much wet and i started also pushing my fingers into her pussy rubbing her a little inside to.
After she had enough and could not take it anymore she turned aside and give me with the indication of her body language that she wanted me to penetrate her now, which i did of course, but while all this was going on i was concentrating on my breathing and more and more into the sexual experience i started feeling just nothing and my dick started to feel like it was being cut, kind of like little cuts on the head of the dick something like that, and it felt like it was burning a little because of these little cuts. but i continue trusting myself into her till i just stopped because i could see that she was already satisfied and the need for me to continue was not necessary. so i just stopped. and when i stopped she asked me if i had come...and i said: ''no, i haven't.'' She than asked me why...?? She told me that most man, have to come in order to really be satisfied and i respond with a: ''no''
After that we got out of bed, took a bath and made some breakfast and sat down and ate.
I wanted to look for some information regarding ''fat'' on the desteni website, because she is having some difficulty getting fat and her cholesterol is a little bit high and also her sugar is a little high and she is a little worried about that. And i was telling her about a video that someone did on the desteni website where i think it was Sunette who was explaining why fat accumulate around certain body parts and areas, but i couldn't find the video or the article where that specific information was placed. I promised her that i will look for it and after i have got it i will give her the information on it.
Later in the evening a couple of hours before i came back home we sat and eat the succulent dinner she prepared and as always when i am about to eat i always thank my food that i am about to eat, that i am grateful for me supporting me as the food i am eating and the drink that i am drinking for supporting me in this world in this moment and for nourishing my human physical body, as Lilly suggested in one of her videos she has done about vegetarian.
Then after dinner i helped her clean the kitchen again and we went to sit and watched television for a while and we talked some little about the news that was on the television and it was about he guy that shut some people in the united states and she was talking about how people are getting crazier by the day each day, and i was thinking by myself of course; '' they were always crazy, you mean...''
Eventually i told her that i have to head on home now because i have my writing to do and i prefer to do it at home because there i don't feel like i have to consider me being in your home and stuff i can just write without having to take someone's feelings and emotions into consideration and this way i am more free to, to write on my own pace.
And for the sake of this blog i must say that she is just a friend of mine,she is not a girl-friend or anything like that of me, we used to date but not anymore, and now and then when she wanted i go by her and we spent some time together, and sometimes we have sex and sometimes we don't. i told her that i was going into my process, and that in order for me to be ,more effective it would be difficult for us to be with each other, because i will change and she is not yet in a position to take this road, so what can i do....??
But soon as for from today i am going to tell her that sex is also going to be out of the question, because i will be deluding myself and have sex based on desire and that is unacceptable in my process.
So here i am now writing my stuff and now that i am about to finish i am going to go to see where i have to apply my self-forgiveness on the points that i wrote right here right now.
My self-forgiveness application on this blog:
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for seeing myself and experiencing myself for being out of work as something that is of boredom.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for seeing myself in the mirror and also for seeing me with a bold head as definable as ''good looking'' with my head shaved.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my friend when she thought that she was being rude to me about the saving of some food for me to eat the day after.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into a situation where i have to compromise myself to please some other people when i know i have to be concentrated on my tasks.
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nice just because i am in the company of some other people's houses, because i am thinking that they may find me having bad manners, to come to their homes and act as if it is my home and not only that but also for doing my things and giving them very little attention.
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into temptation even when i was using my breath in order for me to have sex, because it was still me desiring to have sex and feel a wet pussy.
7) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about myself writing on my blog and not necessarily knowing anyways what the heck i was going to ile i was write about anyways.
8) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue hurting my body, in this case my dick a body part of mine when i was experiencing pain that was like little cuts on my dick and also that it felt like a burning sensation.
9) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the information on the television and saying: ''they were always crazy you mean''
10) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in believing that only at home would be a comfortable place for me to write, which is not entirely true.
Thank you very much and i am open for all your comments.
bye bye.......................
Larry Manuela
Friday 7 January 2011
today, or yesterday....lol
I woke-up early in today, wanted to get ready to go to my appointment i had on 15:00 hours, but wanted to get early, just to shave my head, but eventually i didn't shave my head anyways.
Eventually i managed to get out of my bed, and i made some coffee, and didn't eat nothing, i just drank some coffee and went on my way, because i wanted to make sure that i would be on time.
At home i prepared myself by looking at the map my work-coach sent me, in order for me to get there and to know what bus i should be taking and stuff like that.
i remember sitting on the bus line 123 and i started doubting if i was on the right bus, because i could not remember very well if it was bus 123 or 122....?? Even though at the same time i was telling myself; but ...you are on the right bus, because on the information given from your work-coach there was that you could take either bus number: 117, 123, or 12.....so you are sitting in one these, so everything is fine.
but at the same time i was looking at my mobile phone to check on the time, because the time on the buses are not always as the time that is on the train platforms.....and on my phone that i have i put the time to run with the time of the train station, because that time is more accurate. I knew that if this bus number 123 is not the bus i am suppose to be on, i surely would be late for the appointment. but eventually as the bus took teh right road i became more still, because i knew then that it is the right one, it is going to be fine.
When i got to where i was suppose to be, it felt familiar, because of me being already there before around the same time almost. i am only 2 months early this time.....lol
I got to talk to a woman there who is working there and that will eventually be my work-coach, my personal work-coach when i will be employed there. now when i was talking to her, and this is when the question came about if i had any debts that they need to know of, so they can support me in that,and i started to talk to her about the situation with my security agency and stuff, i could see that she was looking at me with some wonderment by the way i was expressing myself, i could see that i made a great impact on her, in the way i communicated to her. I explained my little problem a little more and it turned out that she gave me an answer about my problem that i over-looked completely and didn't see it from that angle before, she told me that i could retrieve the information about my payments i made even when i used something that they call: ''acceptgiro'' in this land....it is a form of payment. when i was leaving the lady was looking outside the window at me,and i could tell that she liked me, or was impressed by the way i talked to her, and i saw her looking at me so i wave at her and she waved back.
now i am going to ask my bank for those so i can have prove then that i did make the payments that they are accusing me of not making, in the year 2007.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself even when was sure that i knew that i was correct about the number of the bus i needed to get, and all this is due to the fact of me being afraid to not be on time for my appointment the very first day, the anxiety to have them thinking and believing that even at that first day i could already not be on time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for seeing myself as important in others eyes, when i was just voicing myself, where the need and judgement to make someone see greatness in me because of the use of words and my ability to use them to appear great to them is unimportant, irrelevant, and limited.
Thank you.......
Larry Manuela
Eventually i managed to get out of my bed, and i made some coffee, and didn't eat nothing, i just drank some coffee and went on my way, because i wanted to make sure that i would be on time.
At home i prepared myself by looking at the map my work-coach sent me, in order for me to get there and to know what bus i should be taking and stuff like that.
i remember sitting on the bus line 123 and i started doubting if i was on the right bus, because i could not remember very well if it was bus 123 or 122....?? Even though at the same time i was telling myself; but ...you are on the right bus, because on the information given from your work-coach there was that you could take either bus number: 117, 123, or 12.....so you are sitting in one these, so everything is fine.
but at the same time i was looking at my mobile phone to check on the time, because the time on the buses are not always as the time that is on the train platforms.....and on my phone that i have i put the time to run with the time of the train station, because that time is more accurate. I knew that if this bus number 123 is not the bus i am suppose to be on, i surely would be late for the appointment. but eventually as the bus took teh right road i became more still, because i knew then that it is the right one, it is going to be fine.
When i got to where i was suppose to be, it felt familiar, because of me being already there before around the same time almost. i am only 2 months early this time.....lol
I got to talk to a woman there who is working there and that will eventually be my work-coach, my personal work-coach when i will be employed there. now when i was talking to her, and this is when the question came about if i had any debts that they need to know of, so they can support me in that,and i started to talk to her about the situation with my security agency and stuff, i could see that she was looking at me with some wonderment by the way i was expressing myself, i could see that i made a great impact on her, in the way i communicated to her. I explained my little problem a little more and it turned out that she gave me an answer about my problem that i over-looked completely and didn't see it from that angle before, she told me that i could retrieve the information about my payments i made even when i used something that they call: ''acceptgiro'' in this land....it is a form of payment. when i was leaving the lady was looking outside the window at me,and i could tell that she liked me, or was impressed by the way i talked to her, and i saw her looking at me so i wave at her and she waved back.
now i am going to ask my bank for those so i can have prove then that i did make the payments that they are accusing me of not making, in the year 2007.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself even when was sure that i knew that i was correct about the number of the bus i needed to get, and all this is due to the fact of me being afraid to not be on time for my appointment the very first day, the anxiety to have them thinking and believing that even at that first day i could already not be on time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for seeing myself as important in others eyes, when i was just voicing myself, where the need and judgement to make someone see greatness in me because of the use of words and my ability to use them to appear great to them is unimportant, irrelevant, and limited.
Thank you.......
Larry Manuela
Wednesday 5 January 2011
another day again....lol
I have found an interesting thing that i would like to share with you all here about my thoughts and feelings.
I see the trick that my thoughts are playing on me. When i am lying in my bed, about to go to sleep, thoughts of what is being given as knowledge and informations are going through my mind in this case, it makes me feel good about the thought, because it is thought about the message and the knowledge and information from the group of people who are telling the truth of what the mind is from my perspective. And this group of people, are the peoples of desteni. Just because i agree with them on what they are saying and that is making perfect common sense, now my thoughts are using the knowledge and information about that alone to try and keep me thinking anyway.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to let my thoughts use the knowledge and information based on what i agree with to trap me into staying within and as the mind, as if it is o.k. to have these thoughts because i agree with these people. A thought is a thought.
I am not my thoughts, and i am not my mind.
I am life, the breath of life right here.
Thank you....
Larry Manuela
I see the trick that my thoughts are playing on me. When i am lying in my bed, about to go to sleep, thoughts of what is being given as knowledge and informations are going through my mind in this case, it makes me feel good about the thought, because it is thought about the message and the knowledge and information from the group of people who are telling the truth of what the mind is from my perspective. And this group of people, are the peoples of desteni. Just because i agree with them on what they are saying and that is making perfect common sense, now my thoughts are using the knowledge and information about that alone to try and keep me thinking anyway.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to let my thoughts use the knowledge and information based on what i agree with to trap me into staying within and as the mind, as if it is o.k. to have these thoughts because i agree with these people. A thought is a thought.
I am not my thoughts, and i am not my mind.
I am life, the breath of life right here.
Thank you....
Larry Manuela
Tuesday 4 January 2011
another day...s
I woke-up today a little earlier then usual because i was planning to go to the social office today, due to the termination of my social fee, that was given to me. But my work-coach called me himself and ask me if everything is alright, and wanted to know how i did in regards to my applications of looking for a new job.
I told him that most of the people who promised that they have a job for me either did not correspond to me back nor when i called them, did they respond, it makes me think that they don't have the job they told me about and are avoiding telling me that they can't help me in finding a job and tell me again and again, that they will call me back and result afterwards in not calling at all. I am thinking why not just tell me the thing, not telling me is like your holding me back as it is. Because you promise something and talk about it like it is a surety while it is not and now due to you being afraid of me asking questions and you not having the answers, you are like hiding....lol
But i understand people anyways, i am understanding them more and more each day because i can see in all honesty that i used to do that to and sometimes catch myself doing that to, and justifying it in many ways.
Anyways i woke-up today doing what i do normally every day.
I was planning in my mind today how the experience would be of me having to see my kids again after almost 2 months. I could getter the feeling and the emotions of all would happen in the moment of seeing them and them seeing me.
As is usual i was watching videos of www.desteni.co.za today, after i have done what i needed to do regarding looking for job and applying myself to look on the internet for new probable jobs that i could find myself doing.
The whole day i am moving in and out of my mind and i am loosing count every time, but i don't give up, i apply and start over again and again.when i loose the 4 count breath, i also just try to be one with my breath as i breathe normally, and also in this i loose count.....lol.....i am not giving up and i also don't see this as a game where one wins and the other loose, it is for me just me directing me instead of my mind directing me.
When i was making my food ready tonight i was thinking about what Sunette suggested and tried to be in every moment in whatever i am doing and i try to be very here. and could see that when i am in breath and i am doing whatever without the participation of my mind, i can hear everything, but the moment i am in my mind all the sounds and my attention to what i am doing fade away. And so i pick myself up again and focus and be one with my breath. I must say that this is not easy at all, especially for me because i feel like when i do the 4 count breath, it is like i am not breathing ''normally''.......the 4 count breath is longer then my normal breath that i take in and out and with the 2 pauses in between...
And because it is too long for me the 4 count breath, it makes it much difficult for me to apply it in every moment, because it feels like.......let me take an example so one can understand what it is i mean.
It feels like i am running a 100 meter sprint, and i am trying to breathe slowly when my body wants me to breathe faster.
But when it comes to this breath technique it is for me like my normal breathing would be me running the 100 meter sprint and the 4 count breath would be for me trying to breathe while i am running slowly, which is very difficult.
Before i sleep today i am going to watch the the video series of ''the solution'' on the website of www.desteni.co.za and then hit the bed, because tomorrow i have to wake-up early in the morning to go to meet with my children.
bye bye..
Larry Manuela
I told him that most of the people who promised that they have a job for me either did not correspond to me back nor when i called them, did they respond, it makes me think that they don't have the job they told me about and are avoiding telling me that they can't help me in finding a job and tell me again and again, that they will call me back and result afterwards in not calling at all. I am thinking why not just tell me the thing, not telling me is like your holding me back as it is. Because you promise something and talk about it like it is a surety while it is not and now due to you being afraid of me asking questions and you not having the answers, you are like hiding....lol
But i understand people anyways, i am understanding them more and more each day because i can see in all honesty that i used to do that to and sometimes catch myself doing that to, and justifying it in many ways.
Anyways i woke-up today doing what i do normally every day.
I was planning in my mind today how the experience would be of me having to see my kids again after almost 2 months. I could getter the feeling and the emotions of all would happen in the moment of seeing them and them seeing me.
As is usual i was watching videos of www.desteni.co.za today, after i have done what i needed to do regarding looking for job and applying myself to look on the internet for new probable jobs that i could find myself doing.
The whole day i am moving in and out of my mind and i am loosing count every time, but i don't give up, i apply and start over again and again.when i loose the 4 count breath, i also just try to be one with my breath as i breathe normally, and also in this i loose count.....lol.....i am not giving up and i also don't see this as a game where one wins and the other loose, it is for me just me directing me instead of my mind directing me.
When i was making my food ready tonight i was thinking about what Sunette suggested and tried to be in every moment in whatever i am doing and i try to be very here. and could see that when i am in breath and i am doing whatever without the participation of my mind, i can hear everything, but the moment i am in my mind all the sounds and my attention to what i am doing fade away. And so i pick myself up again and focus and be one with my breath. I must say that this is not easy at all, especially for me because i feel like when i do the 4 count breath, it is like i am not breathing ''normally''.......the 4 count breath is longer then my normal breath that i take in and out and with the 2 pauses in between...
And because it is too long for me the 4 count breath, it makes it much difficult for me to apply it in every moment, because it feels like.......let me take an example so one can understand what it is i mean.
It feels like i am running a 100 meter sprint, and i am trying to breathe slowly when my body wants me to breathe faster.
But when it comes to this breath technique it is for me like my normal breathing would be me running the 100 meter sprint and the 4 count breath would be for me trying to breathe while i am running slowly, which is very difficult.
Before i sleep today i am going to watch the the video series of ''the solution'' on the website of www.desteni.co.za and then hit the bed, because tomorrow i have to wake-up early in the morning to go to meet with my children.
bye bye..
Larry Manuela
Monday 3 January 2011
another new day or moment as a day.
I woke-up today around the clock of 1 in the afternoon and was remembering myself to not to forget to apply the 4 count breath today as i will be starting doing that today, as much as me doing that or trying, i realized that i am continuously loosing my count and have to start over again and again.
I remember getting out of my bed and telling myself that now you can't hold in this urge to go to the toilet, for it is to unbearable now to continue holding it only for the reason of being lazy of getting out of my bed.
As to my disappointment today this afternoon that i have to put here, that i gave in during the night on my desire to masturbate and did do it anyways, and so; ''i forgive myself for accepting myself to masturbate and generating the thoughts that ran through my mind as making me fall into the temptation.'' As soon as i was done and i have reached my so-called: '' orgasm'' i had a feeling of guilt and also felt like i have lost the battle with myself regarding this point of sexual desires.
Most of the day today i spent it watching videos of desteni on youtube and trying my best to stay with my breath but must say that i everytime again but again loose count and also sometimes getting myself forgetting and realizing that i am in my mind again, and not as the breath and being here.
I called my step-daughter today and heard her voice and was happy that she was doing o.k. because i haven't heard from her for a few days, so it was nice to hear that she is doing fine.
My older sister called me today asking me if i was doing o.k. and i told her yes, due to the fact that she knows that i am in my process of stopping my mind and that it is a difficult thing to do, but regardless of that, i will not give-up nor give-in....the stance within myself must continue till all is equal and one, as is the reason or purpose i am doing this.
More in the evening my mother called me to, and it was nice to hear her voice to, because the connection to the island was not very well in these 2 days, i could not reach them, due to the heavy traffic of people calling at the same time i assume.
It is right now almost 01:30 in the morning and i am going to watch a movie and also in doing all that continue practising my breath technique.
I will be writing tomorrow again but this time on how i felt and how i am doing reagrding my self-forgiveness i did on my masturbation. Because it must not happen again, i must not let me fall into the temptation of maybe/probably, doing it again, because then that would be not trusting self and also not being honest with self.
See you guys tomorrow....
Larry Manuela
I remember getting out of my bed and telling myself that now you can't hold in this urge to go to the toilet, for it is to unbearable now to continue holding it only for the reason of being lazy of getting out of my bed.
As to my disappointment today this afternoon that i have to put here, that i gave in during the night on my desire to masturbate and did do it anyways, and so; ''i forgive myself for accepting myself to masturbate and generating the thoughts that ran through my mind as making me fall into the temptation.'' As soon as i was done and i have reached my so-called: '' orgasm'' i had a feeling of guilt and also felt like i have lost the battle with myself regarding this point of sexual desires.
Most of the day today i spent it watching videos of desteni on youtube and trying my best to stay with my breath but must say that i everytime again but again loose count and also sometimes getting myself forgetting and realizing that i am in my mind again, and not as the breath and being here.
I called my step-daughter today and heard her voice and was happy that she was doing o.k. because i haven't heard from her for a few days, so it was nice to hear that she is doing fine.
My older sister called me today asking me if i was doing o.k. and i told her yes, due to the fact that she knows that i am in my process of stopping my mind and that it is a difficult thing to do, but regardless of that, i will not give-up nor give-in....the stance within myself must continue till all is equal and one, as is the reason or purpose i am doing this.
More in the evening my mother called me to, and it was nice to hear her voice to, because the connection to the island was not very well in these 2 days, i could not reach them, due to the heavy traffic of people calling at the same time i assume.
It is right now almost 01:30 in the morning and i am going to watch a movie and also in doing all that continue practising my breath technique.
I will be writing tomorrow again but this time on how i felt and how i am doing reagrding my self-forgiveness i did on my masturbation. Because it must not happen again, i must not let me fall into the temptation of maybe/probably, doing it again, because then that would be not trusting self and also not being honest with self.
See you guys tomorrow....
Larry Manuela
first writing concerning process
I woke up today and it was around 1o c'lock in the afternoon, and as soon as i was up , i started participating in my mind discussions with myself.
And it is usually about the blame, and also about how i imagine talking about what we are doing in this world. I imagine myself to be on a radio talk show, where i am there discussing, or i can even say having sorts of an argument with some people who are calling and commenting on what it is am talking about on the show. I actually act out as if i am on the show, of course within my mind and i become or rase my voice and tell them that i don't respect their believes, i don't respect any believe, that i don't respect anyone on that perspective that is against life, because that is how i see believes in this world. They don't deserve any respect because none are respecting life itself in other forms, and even their own form as the whole of humanity.
In my mind, i am always in this situation over and over again, and i get frustrated and even angry sometimes, because in my mind i see them as not listening and from that doing what is neccessary to be done in order for us all to be able to live a dignified life. And i was also imagining myself winning a some amount of money in lottery, or imagening somehow someone leaving a great amount of money for me on my account miracleously, that would make me happy, because i can do the things i want to do now, then i can give some money to those who are close to me and myself to, but the majority i can donate to desteni so they can be more effective in what they are doing.
I was eating and thinking, and feeling a little bit lonely and also asking myself: now what..??
Me talking to myself and asking myself: what are we going to think about today..??
What are we going to converse together today about..??
this particular day, i was very much during the whole day going inside myself in my feelings and trying to generate the desire to touch myself, to masturbate.
I am almost about to do it,wanting to go on the website ''youporn'' and have a look at the videos where lesbians are in sexual exposure, that i love to watch so much, because i find females to be much more sensual in their sexual expressions with themselves and much more intimate it seems, depending of course on the picture presentation i choose to look at that arouse me most of the times.
When i am watching a movie or something or it can be even a comercial with woman in it and find them ''beautiful'' and especially with white woman in them i got turn on by seeing the particular white woman or young woman that is white. I have a very strong attraction towards any white woman whom i perceive to be ''beautiful''.
I find white woman to be the most beautiful woman on the planet when it comes to female expression and sexuality. so when i look at one that is young looking and is very attractive, i almost loose my breath so to speak, it dazzels me all the time. I find them having the most amazing looking legs, and their seems in my way of looking at them, that they have a very playfull way of enjoying themselves, almost childlike, that resembless innocence, and i find this to be very attractive in them, in any woman for that matter, that act in this way. It seems as they are free in some way.
The legs and their faces are the 2 body parts that my attention usually goes to when i am looking at them.
today i did not went out of the house i stayed in and work on myself, to see all this mambo jambo that pop-up. and what are the things i think and what feelings and emotions i have related to them.
i will be looking at these particular mind patterns that i have most of the time and forgive myself those and live self-honesty to not participate in them again.
Thank you..
Larry Manuela
And it is usually about the blame, and also about how i imagine talking about what we are doing in this world. I imagine myself to be on a radio talk show, where i am there discussing, or i can even say having sorts of an argument with some people who are calling and commenting on what it is am talking about on the show. I actually act out as if i am on the show, of course within my mind and i become or rase my voice and tell them that i don't respect their believes, i don't respect any believe, that i don't respect anyone on that perspective that is against life, because that is how i see believes in this world. They don't deserve any respect because none are respecting life itself in other forms, and even their own form as the whole of humanity.
In my mind, i am always in this situation over and over again, and i get frustrated and even angry sometimes, because in my mind i see them as not listening and from that doing what is neccessary to be done in order for us all to be able to live a dignified life. And i was also imagining myself winning a some amount of money in lottery, or imagening somehow someone leaving a great amount of money for me on my account miracleously, that would make me happy, because i can do the things i want to do now, then i can give some money to those who are close to me and myself to, but the majority i can donate to desteni so they can be more effective in what they are doing.
I was eating and thinking, and feeling a little bit lonely and also asking myself: now what..??
Me talking to myself and asking myself: what are we going to think about today..??
What are we going to converse together today about..??
this particular day, i was very much during the whole day going inside myself in my feelings and trying to generate the desire to touch myself, to masturbate.
I am almost about to do it,wanting to go on the website ''youporn'' and have a look at the videos where lesbians are in sexual exposure, that i love to watch so much, because i find females to be much more sensual in their sexual expressions with themselves and much more intimate it seems, depending of course on the picture presentation i choose to look at that arouse me most of the times.
When i am watching a movie or something or it can be even a comercial with woman in it and find them ''beautiful'' and especially with white woman in them i got turn on by seeing the particular white woman or young woman that is white. I have a very strong attraction towards any white woman whom i perceive to be ''beautiful''.
I find white woman to be the most beautiful woman on the planet when it comes to female expression and sexuality. so when i look at one that is young looking and is very attractive, i almost loose my breath so to speak, it dazzels me all the time. I find them having the most amazing looking legs, and their seems in my way of looking at them, that they have a very playfull way of enjoying themselves, almost childlike, that resembless innocence, and i find this to be very attractive in them, in any woman for that matter, that act in this way. It seems as they are free in some way.
The legs and their faces are the 2 body parts that my attention usually goes to when i am looking at them.
today i did not went out of the house i stayed in and work on myself, to see all this mambo jambo that pop-up. and what are the things i think and what feelings and emotions i have related to them.
i will be looking at these particular mind patterns that i have most of the time and forgive myself those and live self-honesty to not participate in them again.
Thank you..
Larry Manuela
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