another day...s

I woke-up today a little earlier then usual because i was planning to go to the social office today, due to the termination of my social fee, that was given to me. But my work-coach called me himself and ask me if everything is alright, and wanted to know how i did in regards to my applications of looking for a new job.

I told him that most of the people who promised that they have a job for me either did not correspond to me back nor when i called them, did they respond, it makes me think that they don't have the job they told me about and are avoiding telling me that they can't help me in finding a job and tell me again and again, that they will call me back and result afterwards in not calling at all. I am thinking why not just tell me the thing, not telling me is like your holding me back as it is. Because you promise something and talk about it like it is a surety while it is not and now due to you being afraid of me asking questions and you not having the answers, you are like hiding....lol

But i understand people anyways, i am understanding them more and more each day because i can see in all honesty that i used to do that to and sometimes catch myself doing that to, and justifying it in many ways.

Anyways i woke-up today doing what i do normally every day.

I was planning in my mind today how the experience would be of me having to see my kids again after almost 2 months. I could getter the feeling and the emotions of all  would happen in the moment of seeing them and them seeing me.

As is usual i was watching videos of www.desteni.co.za today, after i have done what i needed to do regarding looking for job and applying myself to look on the internet for new probable jobs that i could find myself doing.

The whole day i am moving in and out of my mind and i am loosing count every time, but i don't give up, i apply and start over again and again.when i loose the 4 count breath, i also just try to be one with my breath as i breathe normally, and also in this i loose count.....lol.....i am not giving up and i also don't see this as a game where one wins and the other loose, it is for me just me directing me instead of my mind directing me.

When i was making my food ready tonight i was thinking about what Sunette suggested and tried to be in every moment in whatever i am doing and i try to be very here. and could see that when i am in breath and i am doing whatever without the participation of my mind, i can hear everything, but the moment i am in my mind all the sounds and my attention to what i am doing fade away. And so i pick myself up again and focus and be one with my breath. I must say that this is not easy at all, especially for me because i feel like when i do the 4 count breath, it is like i am not breathing ''normally''.......the 4 count breath is longer then my normal breath that i take in and out and with the 2 pauses in between...

And because it is too long for me the 4 count breath, it makes it much difficult for me to apply it in every moment, because it feels like.......let me take an example so one can understand what it is i mean.

It feels like i am running a 100 meter sprint, and i am trying to breathe slowly when my body wants me to breathe faster.

But when it comes to this breath technique it is for me like my normal breathing would be me running the 100 meter sprint and the 4 count breath would be for me trying to breathe while i am running slowly, which is very difficult.

Before i sleep today i am going to watch the the video series of ''the solution'' on the website of www.desteni.co.za and then hit the bed, because tomorrow i have to wake-up early in the morning to go to meet with my children.

bye bye..

Larry Manuela