January 17.
I woke up today way before my alarm went off and i got up from my bed and checked my bank account, still in the hope that just maybe, the money could be on my account now, but it wasn't.
I took a shower and waited for the time to pass, in order to get on my bicycle to go to work.
I could remember being in a state of ind where i was thinking about a woman at my work that attracts me a little, but it is more like a sexual thing, i just know that if i approach her and hit on her i am going to have her. I couldn't get her out of my mind.
What i could also not get out of my mind was that i needed to talk to the social worker there at my job, in order to find out if he can help me with the problem i have with my health care insurance.
Once at work and i saw the woman that i like and that also likes me i was feeling very happy inside because she was smiling at me as i was also smiling at her. But even when this is all happening i catch myself in my breath and remember myself that, i am in that whole moment in a moment of inequality and what is not best for all,but only what is best for me, and i also keep on saying to myself to not go into this temptation, just breathe and let it go. I must say that during this moment when i was letting it go i did not do self-forgiveness then at that moment itself, something i should have done, but i remember now that i did not.
Eventually i got to talk to the social worker at my job and we made an appointment for tomorrow and at that appointment i will bring my letters and also the letters from my health care insurance.
When i got home i went on the internet and immediately went on my account to see if the money was not transfer yet, but by no avail. This thing was stressing me a lot, because i just want to make my payment and on time to.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder into ''hope'' for the money to be on my account.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a sexual desire for a woman at work that i like and also to fall into emotions of like when seeing her.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unable to get her out of my mind, just because of the desire i have for her.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into assumption about the help that the social worker at work could do for me.
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for letting myself feel happy when i saw the woman at work that i like, and that at that moment made me realize that i need to breathe and let it go because i was acting in inequality and out of desire and also for forgetting at that moment to not do my self-forgiveness at that moment in fact aloud.
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stressed due to me not yet having my money on my account in order for me to make my payments for my course.
My self corrective statements.
I am not hope, hope is an illusion i give power to to exist within me and within my world.
I am not sexual desire and not desire at all, those are emotions within me that i allow to exist within me as me and also within my world.
I am not my mind telling me how i should be living.
I am not assumption and have no lack.
I am not my emotions nor my feelings.
I am not stress, stress is only in me as me, because i accept it and allow it to be so.
I am here and i am life.
I am whole.
O.k.that was it for that day......
January 18, 2011
Nothing much happened this day, the only thing i could remember was that when i got to talk to my social worker at work, i got a little angry and also a little happy because he could also see that i do have point in what i am fighting against.
This day i saw the woman i like again of course and as usual she looked at me and smiles as is exactly what i do to her to, i just like the way she is, she has something that attracts me a lot, and i know it is sexual, but i keep on telling myself not to resist the temptation but also not to give into it, just breathe and let it go.
When i got home at night i was so horny that i decided to masturbate but not really on her but using pornography website. And i deliberately have chosen woman who had blond hair, just because the woman i liked at work has blond hair. When i was masturbating i kept telling myself but why....??
And i tried when masturbating to breathe and i could prolong my coming when i did this, but still it is a mind fuck thing.
Self-forgiveness statements.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry and happy at the same time because of the social worker understanding me and agreeing with me.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still see the woman at my work as someone i desire to have sex with.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get horny with the thoughts i have for the woman at work and which made me masturbate when i came home from work and also for choosing woman on the internet who had also blond hair as she does.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to used my breath to prolong my coming instead of using it to stop myself.
Self corrective statements.
I am not anger nor happiness, because both are feelings and emotions.
I am not my desires.
I am not my thoughts who makes me horny.
I am life and i am here.
Bye bye.......
Larry Manuela
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