Monday, 10 January 2011

my first semi-work day today...

Hi everyone,

Well i got up early today because i needed to go to work today, as it was my first day and needed to be there on 10:00 in the morning. but i put my alarm clock on 08:15 in the morning the day before in order not to oversleep and be late for my day work.

I got up on time and took a shower and made my lunch ready to take it to work and when i was done doing all the things i normally do at home before going out, i took off walking to the bus stop and when i arrived there at this bus-stop there was a chines girl waiting there for the bus, and i said; good morning, but she did not reply back as is in most cases here in this particular area, and i thought to myself, maybe she didn't want to say something because maybe because me being a black guy, i would probably hit on her, because that is the main thought people have on their minds regarding black young guys especially around girls, this is what they usually think and find and in most cases it is true to, black young man, are always kind of like on a hunt.......lol

But i stayed there waiting with her for a while but saw that the bus was taking to long so i decided to walk, because the train station where i have to take another bus is not far anyways, so i start walking and as i was walking i was concentrating on my breath in order to see where and when i missed a breath so i can start all over again, and so i continued walking and walking till i have reached the train station. There i waited for a few minutes on the bus i needed and when it drove a little to the front in order for the people to step on the bus, i gathered also in the line to step on the bus.

As i was sitting in the bus and the bus started driving i was looking all over me, just to look and contemplate what is going on around me and stuff and also looking at people on the bus and mostly i noticed girls more often, of course me being a man i noticed girls more often,and specially when they are white.

And most of the times i noticed them and i see one that has a pretty face, i say to myself: waaww, that is a pretty one....??....lol

Eventually the bus stopped where i needed to get out and so i did and cross the road over and decided to walk a little slower after i have taken my phone out of my pocket to see what time it was. I could see that i still had about 20 minutes time left to reach on time so i took the walking slowly.

When i got to the door that, outside at the entrance i met with a man whom i assume his wife must have left him there at work and i said; hello and he did say hello back.
When i was approaching the door the get inside the building where i needed to go in and where my working place would be i started thinking how the people are going to react when they see someone new come in, and as soon as i was in the building all eyes were on me as i already thought and as is usual when someone walks in that no-one has seen before of course.

I walked passed them all and said hello to them, and went to the office to tell the chef that i am present,and he asked me, if i had my safety shoes on, and i said yes.....and he says; o.k..

the reason he asked me this was, because he already knew me from the past year,that i was also there, almost in the same period. so he then said; you already know the drill so take a seat and see what there is to do and you can start. But when i came in the building it was braking time, so i went to sit and decided to eat the lunch a took, and when i finished and the bell rang we started working.

And i have chosen to sit on a table with some other colleague and there was not that much conversation then going on due to the fact that i am the one who is new, so no-one is going to talk to me that easy and when one is the first day at work. but eventually some did talk to me but it was not much. They asked me if i wanted some food, because they were eating and they could see that i was not eating so, they asked me if i wanted a peace of bread, but i said; no, because i at that particular time had already eaten all my lunch and was not hungry, so that is why i said; no.

Then late in the afternoon it turned 16:30 and time to go home came and we all signed in our names and left the building each one taking their own ways to their homes.

I walked to the bus-stop again to wait for the bus, and as i got to the bus-stop there was some people there and i remember myself looking and them and there was a young light brown girl who looked very attractive and i was looking at her and thinking: ''o.k. she is nice to, very nice face, but a little to young''

So we got on the bus and as usual i love to look at people on the bus and mostly girls, i look for the ones that i find nice looking of course, which are usually white girls.

Eventually the bus arrived at the train station and i got out and start walking home and as i was walking home , i was thinking; now i have to go home put my things that i have with me at home and then get out again to go to the grocery store to buy some stuff that i need at home. So i did just that and walked to the grocery store and asked them there if they could cash in a lottery i bought with new years eve. And it resulted that i have won a small amount of money: '' € 5,-''...............lol

The girl there asked me if i wanted to play again and i said yes and i bought to tickets again, and it costs me: ''€ 6,-''........

So i bought the things i needed and went home and prepared my dinner very fast because i was very hungry at the time i reached home.

And when the dinner was done i sit and ate and it was delicious......lol


Now up to the self-forgiveness statements of this particular day.

1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and putting the alarm just in case of me not waking up from myself.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another  based on what i think about them and what is common among the people, that i judged that the chines girl didn't great me because of it having something to do with my race background, for we are known in this country to be womanizers and the men don't think twice when they have a chance with a girl.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still be in the desire of wanting a white girl to be with, and are mostly based on sexual desires.
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at beautiful white girls and going: ''waaww, that is a pretty one..''
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for assuming that the man i met outside the gate was getting out of the car of his wife, because it could have been anyone for that matter and not necessarily his wife.
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the reactions of other people towards me and when i saw the reaction of them towards me i had a feeling of ''being right'' about the thought i had about them going to look at me because of me being there for the first time.
7) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the behaviors of others towards me at the table due to me thinking and believing that they might be quiet because of me being new in their environment, their safe and comfortable space.
8) I forgive myself to accept and allow myself to judge the young light browned skinned girl based on her looks, and to even go as far as to measure if she could be a good catch or not due to her looking: 'a little to young'
9) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at girls on the bus and looking only for those who are white based on my personal desires i have with white girls.
10) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind make decision for me regarding my grocery that i needed to do when i got home.
11) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gave in to hope, hoping that i maybe could win a sum of money so i can pay my course that i am doing in one go, or at least some months in advance, to be sure of those at least.


Thank you and bye bye......


Larry Manuela

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