this is from January 11, 2011
I woke-up early today and went to work on my bicycle and on the half way there i remembered that i did not take my lock-key with me.
Because of this i got a little scared, because now i got myself thinking that if someone finds out that my bicycle is not locked they can easily steal it from me.
Then when i got at work and put my bicycle in a place where it seems more likely to not be noticed, i placed it between some other bicycles and make it less seen. I then got inside the building, signed in and sat down. a few moments after our floor manager came to me telling me that i have to go to another location to perform working activities, which i was not happy with at all, because i find this to be very unfair, due to the fact that when one get to work outside on another location, you are going to work harder and most of all you are not going to have the opportunity to apply for freshly incoming jobs as those who are in the building, when they are being placed.
I decided to got this time because he said that there were someone who had to go but he was not present that day, so that is why he is sending me. And i told him in my mind,kind of like talking to myself, that this will only happen today and it will not happen again, because next time i am just going to say: ''no''
This was the main thing today, that worked on my nerves, because of me knowing that he is choosing me only because i am the quiet type of person that he thinks won't rejects his command.
After work i got home, i ate and after i have done this, i felt like a little bit alone and decided that this would be a perfect time to masturbate a little and so it happened, i put the website of youporn on and masturbate watching a woman reaching her orgasm using a ''fuck machine'' WTF........lol
I have noticed something about myself, and this i must share also.
When i am getting in a mood so to speak and wanting myself to masturbate, it is always from the starting point of; when i am feeling a little like alone, like i am bored, have nothing to do and it is quiet. It is like i have made masturbation the outlet of me being bored.
January 12, 2011
My day started very strange and fucked up today.......why...??
Because i was told that i had a meeting with some people and it turned out to be that there was no meeting planned at all, and that i got there for the meeting wasting my time. Because somehow someone fooled me by letting me go all the way to the office. I got there and the minute they told me, but we don't see your name anywhere here, are you sure you have to be here for a appointment...?? I said yes i am sure because i had to fill in a form on the internet and then called in using the phone number from this office and in order to make an appointment, so here i am. I took all the necessary steps as is required i told him. So he said: ''o.k., take a seat and we will see what we can do.'' I was already angry about this, because i was fooled and i don't like this. Eventually my working coach i had before came to me after a lot of asking and stuff and he called the people of the government and told them that they have made a mistake in making an appointment about well-fair when this person does not have to that at all,because i already sent him to a project, of the government itself.
Then everything was done and i went back to where i needed to be in the first place.
When i was at work i got to talk to some people at work about the monetary system and about an equal money system that we need to agree upon as a whole in order to stop the abuses in this world. But they of course laugh at me, and thought that, it is something very nice but it is impossible to implement. i told them then that it is possible, we can do it, it is just an agreement the same as we are doing right now, agreeing that money should be shared in inequality, only the we agree that it is shared in equality.
They listen for a while but they are not really interesting, even though i tried to explain to them how the system works a little and they saw the common sense in it all, but yet, they are not really into doing something practical to bring this about.
Eventually work ended and i got home and when i went on my myspace i saw that a girl that i requested to be friends with there told me that it would be cool to share msn's and chat, so we did and we are chatting and talking about a lot of things. She is attractive though and i like the way she looks like.
So that was it for these two days.
Now up to my self-forgiveness statements.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get scared because i remembered that i forgot my lock-key at home, and that could mean that my bicycle can be stolen if someone notice that i don't have a key.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at my field manager for sending me to work outside on another location, where i would be missing my opportunities to apply for work like the others and also for working harder at those locations then the others that stay behind.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind and thinking that i am saying to my floor manager that this is the first and last time that i am going to do this, because the next time i am going to say: ''no''
4) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself fall into a situation where the situation worked on my nerves, so i can be in my mind instead of here with my breath as one, and for judging myself and my floor manager into believing that he is choosing me because of me being a quiet guy, which i am, but not when it comes to me being used.
5) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get home and felt alone and felt like i needed, due to this aloneness, start to masturbate using video pictures on the internet where a woman worked herself to an orgasm using a ''fuck machine''
6) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into a mood where i can find ,myself masturbating, in this manner giving into the temptation and the desire to have an orgasm and to use masturbation as a means to get off of my boredom.
7) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be agitated at the security guard when he asked me if i really had an appointment at that office, because of me already knowing that i have done exactly what was required to be done in order to make an appointment as it is by their laws.
8) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry because of myself thinking that i was fooled by someone to go to the office which resulted for me being there when the person did not put my name on the list for people who would be coming in for appointments.
9) I forgive myself to judge others by the way they showed me with their body language that what i was proposing as an equal money system would be something impossible.
Now my self corrective statements. this is the part that you would not get to see, you will only see it here in writing but, i put it here, because if i fail again on the points where i made my self corrective statement, meaning that these statement would have to be lived by me in the actual living right here in the physical in my everyday moments.
I make the statement to live me fully here in breath and not to fall into the traps of my mind and also not to judge people based on their body language and also not to judge myself in relation to others in what i assume they must be thinking of me, while all this is my own thoughts, accompany with some feelings and emotions.
I make the statement to never again put myself into a situation where i delude myself that i am alone and that now would be a good time to mess around with my dick and sent myself in some orgasm masturbating myself out of boredom and using pornographic videos to get the pace going better as i believe it to be in my mind.
O.k. that was it for these two days.
Bye bye..........till soon.
Larry Manuela
No comments:
Post a Comment