I woke-up today around the clock of 1 in the afternoon and was remembering myself to not to forget to apply the 4 count breath today as i will be starting doing that today, as much as me doing that or trying, i realized that i am continuously loosing my count and have to start over again and again.
I remember getting out of my bed and telling myself that now you can't hold in this urge to go to the toilet, for it is to unbearable now to continue holding it only for the reason of being lazy of getting out of my bed.
As to my disappointment today this afternoon that i have to put here, that i gave in during the night on my desire to masturbate and did do it anyways, and so; ''i forgive myself for accepting myself to masturbate and generating the thoughts that ran through my mind as making me fall into the temptation.'' As soon as i was done and i have reached my so-called: '' orgasm'' i had a feeling of guilt and also felt like i have lost the battle with myself regarding this point of sexual desires.
Most of the day today i spent it watching videos of desteni on youtube and trying my best to stay with my breath but must say that i everytime again but again loose count and also sometimes getting myself forgetting and realizing that i am in my mind again, and not as the breath and being here.
I called my step-daughter today and heard her voice and was happy that she was doing o.k. because i haven't heard from her for a few days, so it was nice to hear that she is doing fine.
My older sister called me today asking me if i was doing o.k. and i told her yes, due to the fact that she knows that i am in my process of stopping my mind and that it is a difficult thing to do, but regardless of that, i will not give-up nor give-in....the stance within myself must continue till all is equal and one, as is the reason or purpose i am doing this.
More in the evening my mother called me to, and it was nice to hear her voice to, because the connection to the island was not very well in these 2 days, i could not reach them, due to the heavy traffic of people calling at the same time i assume.
It is right now almost 01:30 in the morning and i am going to watch a movie and also in doing all that continue practising my breath technique.
I will be writing tomorrow again but this time on how i felt and how i am doing reagrding my self-forgiveness i did on my masturbation. Because it must not happen again, i must not let me fall into the temptation of maybe/probably, doing it again, because then that would be not trusting self and also not being honest with self.
See you guys tomorrow....
Larry Manuela
Cool that you direct yourself within the principles. Remember, it is not important how many times you fall, but to stand up whenever that happens, until you are able to stand forever.
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