first writing concerning process

I woke up today and it was around 1o c'lock in the afternoon, and as soon as i was up , i started participating in my mind discussions with myself.

And it is usually about the blame, and also about how i imagine talking about what we are doing in this world. I imagine myself to be on a radio talk show, where i am there discussing, or i can even say having sorts of an argument with some people who are calling and commenting on what it is am talking about on the show. I actually act out as if i am on the show, of course within my mind and i become or rase my voice and tell them that i don't respect their believes, i don't respect any believe, that i don't respect anyone on that perspective that is against life, because that is how i see believes in this world. They don't deserve any respect because none are respecting life itself in other forms, and even their own form as the whole of humanity.

In my mind, i am always in this situation over and over again, and i get frustrated and even angry sometimes, because in my mind i see them as not listening and from that doing what is neccessary to be done in order for us all to be able to live a dignified life. And i was also imagining myself winning a some amount of money in lottery, or imagening somehow someone leaving a great amount of money for me on my account miracleously, that would make me happy, because i can do the things i want to do now, then i can give some money to those who are close to me and myself to, but the majority i can donate to desteni so they can be more effective in what they are doing.


 I was eating and thinking, and feeling a little bit lonely and also asking myself: now what..??

Me talking to myself and asking myself: what are we going to think about today..??
What are we going to converse together today about..??

this particular day, i was very much during the whole day going inside myself in my feelings and trying to generate the desire to touch myself, to masturbate.
I am almost about to do it,wanting to go on the website ''youporn'' and have a look at the videos where lesbians are in sexual exposure, that i love to watch so much, because i find females to be much more sensual in their sexual expressions with themselves and much more intimate it seems, depending of course on the picture presentation i choose to look at that arouse me most of the times.

When i am watching a movie or something or it can be even a comercial with woman in it and find them ''beautiful'' and especially with  white woman in them i got turn on by seeing the particular white woman or young woman that is white. I have a very strong attraction towards any white woman whom i perceive to be ''beautiful''.

I find white woman to be the most beautiful woman on the planet when it comes to female expression and sexuality. so when i look at one that is young looking and is very attractive, i almost loose my breath so to speak, it dazzels me all the time. I find them having the most amazing looking legs, and their seems in my way of looking at them, that they have a very playfull way of enjoying themselves, almost childlike, that resembless innocence, and i find this to be very attractive in them, in any woman for that matter, that act in this way. It seems as they are free in some way.

The legs and their faces are the 2 body parts that my attention usually goes to when i am looking at them.

today i did not went out of the house i stayed in and work on myself, to see all this mambo jambo that pop-up. and what are the things i think and what feelings and emotions i have related to them.

i will be looking at these particular mind patterns that i have most of the time and forgive myself those and live self-honesty to not participate in them again.


Thank you..

Larry Manuela