So today i got to talk with the social worker at work and it turned out to be that he can't help me with my problem anyways, because my problem is a little more complicated and it is a problem that require some assistance of justice.
This i already knew would be the case because of the whole complicated scenario i saw already in writing letters back and forth to them( health insurance).
I got a little relief from all that, because i was a little bit in doubt if i really had a case or not, so now i am sure that i can make a case out of this ans set this straight.
At work i observe an interesting happening today. When we were packing the liquid soaps into the little carton boxes, because this is the kind of job they put you to do nowadays when you can't get anything to do, but anyways, as we were doing this some of the guys there, starting throwing those soaps everywhere and they were braking and letting the soap out, of the sack. Now the woman i told you guys about that i like, now she was between those guys who were throwing these thing and braking them, and she was laughing at the whole thing, like it was something funny or something of delinquent habits that is found in young people....you know, when young people are acting like that. So what happened next is the point to this whole story, she stand up and was going to left the building where we were working and she slipped on the liquid soap that the guys were throwing and felt very hard on the floor, and those who noticed all got scared. Now the point for me here was that, she experience first hand the consequences and so did the others who were throwing those things to, they experience to, what it is that could happen if you do things without taking into consideration the consequences of such actions. For me the moment i saw this i also became scared for a second, but in that moment i remember immediately to breathe and in that breathing i saw the whole thing, and could realize it and see the consequence right in front of me in a moment.So i who was there was also in the whole experience of the whole falling moment of the woman. Even though that the woman experience the real physical pain of the consequences we experience the together with her what it means when you throw things that can be slippery around.
Now for me that whole experience was also a moment of realization, because now i had a physical experience that when one really is one with the breath one do see the thing as it is and is capable of not being emotional nor feeling related to the whole experience of it all. It is really like it slows down. This is cool stuff...lol
Then later on that night when i got home i was talking to myself and the topic of myself talking to myself was: ''realization vs awareness''
I wanted to make a video of myself talking about this thing.
I was looking at this thing and was trying to breathe through the whole thing, and here is what i was talking about.
I realize that realization happens only in relationships, meaning me for example in relation with someone or something, so even looking at the whole realization and awareness topic i realize this very clearly, so i could see the difference between realization and awareness.
what i found was the following, now i need you guys to understand that on these 2 words that i am using here i never ever opened a dictionary to look at their meaning, their definition, all i know about these 2 words is what i hear from other people giving example of what those 2 words may mean.
So what i am about to tell you and understand that i can be mistaken, but i am writing it right now as i was seeing it from my understanding then at that particular moment and up to this moment i still have not opened a dictionary to look at their definition, because i find need to do so.
I see in awareness as it is being used in sentences that it has to do with a state of being itself, meaning you are awareness itself.
In realization i can see it as being in separation to being, it is like for example; me separating myself from myself, then i am forming a relationship within myself as myself. So this means that only in relationship can i have what is called a realization, because in awareness you just are...!! In awareness there is nothing but awareness itself, you are it.
Let me give some example of what i am trying to say here.
if i take for example the sentence:'' i am alive''
the moment i say that sentence as it is written here, i am not in awareness of life, because i am then not as it, i am in separation with it and is now forming a relationship with it. Meaning i am not in understand and seeing it as me myself. life is me, it is what i am. I am seeing it and understanding it as if it is something that is separate from me.
Now all i am writing here is ''realization'' not ''awareness''
I cannot talk from awareness because i am not aware, but i do understand awareness from the perspective of the relationship that i see in all things which i can clearly see that i am not them as me, it is not part of my everyday reality.
Now what i mean with this is the following. For example: i can understand and have consideration for the people who are hungry, but the actuality of what they really experience in that particular situation i don't experience it as them as myself.
If i hack a tree trunk off, i don't get to experience what the tree may be experiencing, i can only consider and try to understand it, but all this can only happen in relationship that is not awareness, because the relationship is in separation, that is the way we are living right now. It is all mental, not real physical touch, within the relationship with all things that are here, we are in touch with only a few, and there are more touching relationships going on without us knowing it at all.Because we do not consider those as touch or we don't stand still and see that those are also touch.
Now to the self-forgiveness applications.
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for doubting myself for what i already knew of myself and instead was looking for assurance or people to agree with me in some way or another.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall for a second within my mind and got scared as the woman fell on the ground due to the soap on the floor.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to myself as being referred to as: ''mind chatting'' within which i chat about the whole ''realization vs awareness'' topic in my mind and which i put here in writing.
self corrective application.
I am not doubt, doubt is of my mind consciousness system, i am not my mind and i am not the tricks my mind play with me in order for me not to realize me, who i really am.
I am not mind chatting, mind chatting is of mind consciousness system.
I am life, i am here, i am trust, i am secure.
Let me hear your comments on this please.
Bye bye......
Larry Manuela
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