Now i am going to layout in this blog why it is, i was so fascinated with having sex with women.
I will start immediately with the realization i have had as for the reason why i was like that, and even why sex had become like a drug to me later on in my life.
I had an interesting realization regarding myself in and when i am participating in having sex with a woman.
I found out that, i was always looking to bring out in the woman, that gentle care that i could see women have for their little babies.
It was only in having sex with them and treating them with a lot of care, as i would hold a baby in my arms during the act of sex, that i could have this experience of seeing and interpreting the women as melting and becoming like this fragile innocent baby that i can carry through the experience of becoming innocent again in the moment of having sex with her, which stimulated me enormously and i could get very horny by just making her go through this whole experience. Without me making her go through this experience meant to me, that i wasn't reaching her most inner feelings and expression of: ''letting go of'' and ''becoming innocent'' or ''her true expressive nature as a woman. ''
I would read and read and watch all kinds of sexual oriented information/depictions to see what else is there i could learn, so that the next time i can try them out and see if they work practically. Sex became like an obsession to me, like the only way to really find out if what the person is telling you she is feeling for you is real or not. But when the person was not getting all warmed up and as wet as possible, because that was the other thing to, she must get very wet, extremely wet, so that i could interpret that as me doing a good job. without all this i will see myself as someone who has failed her and not made her reach that point of the very essence of the feeling of having sex and becoming this innocent expression as child in and as a woman. And this will make me then just have the sex and get it over with, and it will not get me as horny as i would get when i see the woman becoming all melted and extremely wet and unable to hold herself and when there will be nothing left but to give in to becoming this innocence as the expression as a woman i see in all woman when carrying for their little infants. This to me represented the real expression as a woman,as the expression of care itself, and find it very fascinating to bring it out so i can enjoy it with her through her going through the whole experience of that becoming and experiencing herself as what i perceived as the expression of what woman are or should be constantly.
I would amalgamate so to speak with every touch, with every kiss, and look for all the spots/points on her body where i can have a more intense like overload of energy uprising and when that is spotted, i will molt it and play with it, like move it throughout the whole of her body to make sure that she is totally taken away in her own experience of her energetic uprising and little by little bring it all down to that one point, to the cave of wonders....lol And there it will be transformed into a river that will be recognizable to me as her body being ready to receive thy staff.
Within the receiving of my staff, the sounds will change, from a groaning to a screaming like sounds in high pitch and the breathing will become long and more intense and the body moves into more curling and the warmth of the body intensified within all this i will stop abruptly, and move up to her lips where i will kiss them intensely, with all the care i have within me, as to hold her, guide her, lay her down so speak on the pillow of innocence,where i see it as her expressing her true nature as woman and within that kiss that starts like very hungry like kiss, it slows down to a long and passionate free flowing kiss, where this calmness surrounds the whole room and the whole atmosphere becomes like this gentle embrace, the heartbeat slows down and every little movement is intense and the whole innocence of a woman arise within her as i enjoy it through her.
So it is the innocence in woman i was seeking to bring out, that became like an obsession to me, that in most of my sexual encounters were being interpreted by the woman as me being a ''perfect love maker''
So when i look at this now, i can see, that that which i was looking for in another is exactly what was missing in me, that is always the case, what you are looking for to experience through another is that which you yourself are not able or willing to give to yourself.
My Self-forgiveness statements.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to look at woman as outside myself as only through sex as the expression of innocence.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate the woman using my sexual training talents to bring them into a experience that is being guided by and through me.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the experience of wanting/desiring/needing a woman to go through the ultimate experience of herself as innocence as for me to get my energetic fix through that.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to feel very satisfied when i would make them reach that point of becoming like innocent again in the moment of sex.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to only enjoy sex when the woman is totally and extremely horny, otherwise i will not enjoy the sex at all.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate the woman through the touch of my hands, my kisses, and my penis to get her to reach the point where i can have a energetic fix of.
I forgive myself for i haven't accepted and allowed myself to enjoy sex, without the energetic outflow and built up, that i would see as as the only way for me to really get horny and enjoy sex because of being horny.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to totally focus on the woman alone and put myself aside,and just depended on extreme portrayal in order for me to then after that get my fix.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself deliberately to manipulate the woman in order for her to get to that stage through sex.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself feeling better about myself when the woman will tell me that i am a perfect love maker.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to even get horny on the innocence of woman.
I forgive myself for i have accepted and allowed myself to knowingly engage in the act just for the purpose to get the woman to reach that what i wish/want/need/desire of them for me.
Whenever i see myself in my future sex encounters going into a state where i am not one and equal with and to the woman i am with i stop, breathe and start again till i am one and equal and two physical beings sharing their physical touch together without any preconceived idea or intention, just two physical being engaging in the act of physical touch as sex, and be totally HERE in that moment as one as equals as life.
Wants to join us, you are invited to come here: DESTENI
We have a real practical world solution that is: EQUALMONEY
If you want to really change yourself and so to become a living example in this world do it here: DIP