An interesting occurence with my Son.

Now with the turning of the past year into this year i had my son here at my place with me, i went to pick him up by the mother, my daughter didn't want to come, she find that here where i am, because i am alone and no other kids to play with and all that stuff, makes the whole thing boring for her, so she didn't want to come and the mother was trying to force her to come, but i told the mother, to let it be, if she doesn't want to come, it doesn't matter, it is not an obligation you know,she doesn't want to come no problem.

So now i was here with my son and interesting event took place. 
I was chatting with a friend of mine on MSN and i had my webcam on and we were chatting and my son is right now learning how to write  and how to read and spell, so he is very interested in doing all those things that are involving those particular disciplines. we were chatting and was telling this friend of mine, that his teeth are all like twisted in his mouth right now, and that he is going to have to go to the dentist soon with the mother to see what the dentist can do for him, because he went already, and the dentist said that the new teeth that are coming out are not coming out right and are pushing behind the one's that have to fall out, and because of that all his front teeth are like twisted and stuff like that, and i was telling my friend and he is sitting next to me and watching me and my friend talk about this and i was telling my friend: '' yes and i don't know what the dentist is going to do with this little fellow here.'' And as i was telling this to my friend i was laughing, but not laughing as in the sense of teasing him or making fun of him, but just laughing so he may not be feeling ''bad'' about the whole thing, thinking/believing that in that manner will not ''hurt his feelings'' when we talk about his teeth.

So now guess what happened...?? 

That was exactly what happened, he got angry and started to cry but more in a screaming way and jumping up and down and throw things on the ground and stuff like that, and try to brake a little toy motor-bike the aunt gave him, and i just looked at him and i continued chatting with my friend and she could hear all this, and she was telling me, wtf: '' are you not going to do anything about that, because he seem like a little spoiled brad.''  So i told my friend: '' not yet, i am going to let him play out his little show here and when he is done i going to have a serious conversation with him, i am going to talk to him like he is not accustom to.''

So i left him in his possession for a while and after he was done and he noticed that i was not paying any attention to his play out, i went and sat next to him and in that moment i placed myself in his shoes and i talked to him as my equal, not as a father talking to a son, but two human beings having a serious conversation about in this case the behavior he was showing.
So i looked into his eyes and i start to ask him questions. I asked him: '' why are you behaving like this, and i need you to look at me in my eyes and talk to me..??  Do you think i found what you were doing funny, or did it seem like i was enjoying it...??  And he was looking at me, and every time i get serious with him he will cry, it's a form of trying to manipulate, but i told him, do not cry, because there is nothing to cry about and also nothing to fear, i am not going to scream or get angry at you or anything i am just addressing your behavior of just now, seriously with you so in order for me to understand you and then we can walk through this whole thing together to see why it is you behaved like that. I asked him then: '' why did you do that..??  He answered: '' yes because you and your friend were making fun of my teeth, and i don't like it because at school other kids are making fun of me to and when i tell my peers at school, they don't do anything, and when i tell my mother she tells me to hit them, but when i hit them i am the one that get punished instead, so i can't keep on doing that either.  Now for a 6 years old to see all that,i find it fascinating.

So now i have found within him the reason of him being angry, because he is relating his past experience of being bullied at school and other kids making fun of him in relation to his teeth, that are all twisted in his mouth, to me and my friend talking about it and just because we are laughing makes him believe/think that we are teasing or making fun of him.
And he was telling me that he has no friends really at school, just some kids he plays with. And then i told him. Now listen to me. Next time when you get into fights or other kids teasing you, you just walk away and you go to one of your peers and you tell them directly what is going on, and you just be insistent and serious about it, just like i am being serious about the whole thing with you right now. And if that doesn't work, when you have to play and stuff like that, you do something or play something that involves you playing alone, and i told him you just let those other kids be, don't go into fights and stuff like that, you just stand your ground, and you make sure to, to make it clear to your peers at school, that you are not going to play with  those kids that are bullying you and make fun of you, and when all those things happen, i want you to remember one thing that is very important, to be one and equal with your breath, don't be emotional and stuff, just stay here with your breath and you will see, you will be fine and stable. I also told him, that it is difficult for you, because you as a child always want to enjoy yourself playing, is a great activity for you, and not playing with some other kids especially when you like type of activities or games that involve more then one individual, because his favorite activity right now is: ''soccer''  And soccer is not that fun if you are alone doing it. And if they are making fun of you while playing you remember to stick to your breathing in.........out....................in ......................out........don't resist the making fun scenario that is busy going on outside of you and see what happens, maybe they will STOP doing it or maybe not, but it won't affect you emotionally though. And after that i asked him if he grasped it, he said yes.

And i told him after the conversation; ' you see, how we can communicate with each other without no-one being angry or screaming and do all those none-senses, and reach a point of mutual understanding..? ' He said yes. The reason why i said that to him, is because i know that the mother at home have no patience with them, and this is the one point that i let say regret leaving them behind with the mother, because she is always screaming at them and shit like that, so they are very obedient because of fear, and my son is obedient but he has got a temper to. He is very fast in showing aggressive tendencies. And i am always talking to the mother about these things, to not do that, that she must stop doing that kind of shit, because she is bringing them up using fear and in fear they will become later on in life, products of fear that you created. And this whole thing is bothering me, because of my financial situation within this world, i am not in a ''secure'' financial situation where i can say to the mother, you know something just leave them with me and i will take care of them myself. In my situation right now i can barely survive, i have a job but it is not a steady job it is not something i can count on, and i am living in a studio, not a proper living situation to be in with two kids and especially in this country where they can take away your kids for shit like that, and i am also on top of all that shit,  working shifts, so how the heck am i going to take care of them when i have to work at different times all the time, and have not enough money to pay for day care and all those wonderful stuff they have over here, but yet, not really very practical for every individual. So taking them with me, is making their lives a more living hell. Me alone i am ready for every shit that comes to me, but being with them and making them go through some shit that i can go through much more easily, but they can't i find even more abusive. With the mother, she has a sister there and the mother is in the social benefit program they have over here in this country,so she is always home and when she has something to do, she can ask the sister to look after them for a while or the sister can help her with them, but with me, it is ALL me alone, no-one to help, i do have my sister here where i live,in this town but she has her own children and she is working herself to, so that whole thing won't work for me in my situation as it works for the mother in her situation. All this shit is due to the stupid monetary system we have in place, where we cannot even take care of our children properly, because without money in this system you are literally fucked on all levels. It makes it very, very hard, and you even get punished to in some circumstances involving kids and their living conditions in this country for example when it is not your fault, but the fault from a stupid monetary system. The punishment being the excuse that you are not in a condition financially to take care of your children so we are going to take them away from you and give them to some strangers to somewhere to take care of them, while you are busy working out your problems with money and house and all the shit that can take years and years....

So the whole ''moral'' of this story is, that a child does understand you when you talk to them using common sense and talk to them as your equal instead of talking to them from the starting point of being the authority in the house, just because you are the all so famous '' parent''


Thanks.


Larry Manuela