Now within this blog i am writing down what i have been doing and also what i have
NOT been doing, which is also of importance in the times to come to support and assist others as me as i am being supported and assisted through all the blogs and vlogs of our members talking and writing their own particular realizations and difficulties facing themselves, which is a very hard thing to do,especially in the initial stages of the process as any Destonian will tell you, because it is about: '' letting go of'' all that is within you, that you have come to accept and allow to be and become part of you as you in this world.
Most of my time i spent it on reading and watching the Desteni videos and watching/reading the other members their videos or writings and try to support and assist them as much as possible as i can, because i know from personal experience that this process of birthing ourselves into life, the physical is not going to be something i can do all by myself, it is a group effort, a group support and assistance occurrence. And from the frailties and growing of others we get the strength for ourselves to push and walk our own individual processes, which on that level, thus the actual walking is for the individual him/herself to do, no-one can do your walking for you, the others can only support and assist you, there where you are falling or where you do not see with clarity yet, what it is that is within you that is a veil before you.
Now within the breathing application i am becoming more aware of my breathing, because i am paying attention to it and i find myself sometimes getting out of this attention, but the fascinating thing about it is, that even when you do get out of focus and attention you catch yourself into let's say: ''cheating'' on yourself for not paying attention to your own breathing, and you can immediately see within this how you jump into thoughts and feelings and emotions, so you immediately ground yourself back to reality by/through your breath, the only thing you can truly trust and is very intimate indeed.
Before i go to bed i do some self-forgiveness statements out loud, and i have been doing this more lately, and i do feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders as i engage into this, it is very supportive, and i enroll and embrace myself under the blanket and let the thoughts come up within me and i do my self-forgiveness on them, and within this is look for where one thought will lead me into another thought-construction and i continue with this, and more lately i have seen some more changes especially in my participation in the group and i also see that i have NOT been constant and consistent within my writings as it should be. I do place my writings at the end of the month, but to myself i can see that it is not enough, not that i am being hard on myself or anything, it's just that in writing one is teaching your physical to learn more about communicating and the more you write, the more effective you will become when you are speaking/voicing/communicating. When it comes to making V-logs i don't do that, that much, simply because of this fact to, i want to be more effective before i can V-log, but as i have realized on the chats we had tonight that it is important to do so anyways, because as you grow and become more effective in your communication in your videos, people will see the changes and can also see, how you have developed yourself from a beginning and how you are doing now, how you have changed. So this is imperative that we do so, that i do so. So when new people come in they can see the way we have evolved and how effective we have become in voicing ourselves and in bringing the Desteni message to the world as ourselves as we walk the message in our everyday lives, in whatever part of the world we may be, and in whatever circumstances we may find ourselves, and the more we grow in our expansion and in our becoming more and more as a one group standing in one principle, and walking and bringing about the changes necessary so we can start on the world level, but first on our own level, individual levels, as we walk our talks, and spread the message of oneness and equality, that which is best for all. In this walking we face ourselves, it is not a beautiful and lovely and nice thing, it is hard and difficult as i already mentioned in paragraphs above.
So now let me share here with you my personal difficulties, and they are 2.
My first one is related to SEX.
Let me take you on voyage of who i was before i took on this task and this process and course that i am now in, because i have realized that we cannot continue the way we live with each other on this planet and also the way we live with the rest of the Kazillions of expressions that are HERE also expressing themselves as life.
Before i found desteni, i was very much a very horny person, someone who was very open when it comes to that particular endeavor. I was someone who was reading and watching all kinds of information regarding this subject in order for me to so-called get better in being sexual, because as i understood at the time, was that if you are not ''good'' in bed as they say, you would most likely not succeed in having a good, fruitful relationship, so i was learning by reading books about all kinds of SEX in this world and was watching PORNO to, to see if there was something that they are doing that i don't know off yet and i can then try it out when i am with a partner, but this trying out part does not happen with consistency so i found myself indulging into paying for the sex in 2 forms, either with girls who are materialistic(looking to be with guys/men who have money) or those who are just working as prostitutes, which to me at the time was not that much different and found out that the one's who are doing it as a job, are much more cleaner then the one's who are sleeping around with any other guy who comes around. In that particular stage of my life, i got even used to this addiction, because it becomes an addiction, then you suddenly find yourself dwelling only with people who are into this kind of life, this lifestyle so to speak. So now i have taken this on myself to STOP myself into going and participating in this lifestyle i use to have. I am now on my own, facing myself especially to STOP this addiction that i have with SEX.
My second difficulty is related to Anger.
I have been having these anger within me mostly towards myself and towards US humans in general,especially because i can see within myself how we are hiding and trying to NOT take our responsibilities towards ourselves and others as ourselves as life. We just keep on ignoring the fucked-upness that is here, that we create together. I just cannot understand how my species can be so stubborn to not see, and refuse to change, because they have some stupid believe they have to hold on to, that have not any validation nor importance in one's physical living requirements in this world. I know that i have to have endurance with this one, in order to let it go, i have to face this one, do more self-forgiveness to see where these self-forgiveness will lead me, because i can see that i have not reached the bottom, the nitty gritty of it yet. Whenever i see myself going into getting angry at what i see in this world i just breath and let it go, but i sometimes forget to do self-forgiveness on the thought or feeling right there in that particular moment. I will let you guys know more about my anger as i am going to dig deeper into it, to see where the source is that i haven't found yet.Understand that this is not an extreme anger or something in that particular field where i would want to hurt people in anyways whatsoever. It is just ''normal'' anger.
So as you can see, these two points are the two major points within my process which are making me run slow,making me stay behind so to speak in my own process. Now for you who is reading this and you want to engage in changing yourself, understand that you are going to go through some hard times letting go of, those things you now hold as dear or as having some value within your life, and maybe this writing can support and assist you in some way for you to see, that you are not alone and that others are also in some similar processes or something else that is holding them back, and all we need to do is to walk through it, in the moment it presents itself and stand as it to STOP it. You cannot magically wipe it out of your existence, because it is you, you have created yourself like this with your experiences in this world.
Now what i wrote here most people will not dare speak about with others, let alone share on the web......lol
But at the end of the day, it is about YOU, alone facing yourself, they cannot face you for you, only you can do that, and the only reason i am placing my difficulties here is for you to have a support, that is of course if you are ready to face yourself and change yourself, because you have had enough of yourself and of the way we live here together that MUST change.
Thanks.
Larry Manuela
Join us at: Desteni, Equal money, I process
Want to support us, and learn more of what is really going on in this world and in you, do it here: EQAFE
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