A dream last night

               A dream last night.

Last night I dreamt about me being on my island and the dream started with me trying to surprise a girlfriend of mine that I haven’t seen in a long time and I in this dream was like following her when she was jogging near the beach. I could remember me looking at her legs and her feet, she was jogging barefoot. And as I was looking at all this, I was thinking: ‘’ hmm at least her legs didn’t go through some changes.’’

Then suddenly I found myself in another phase of the dream and I was walking into an secluded part of the island on the South side of the island and here there was allot of people living together but they all were like deformed in some way or another and had also some had lepra, but it didn’t matter to me I was just there to show them that I don’t care how they looked and that I accept them as how they look and who they are. There were all kinds of people there children and grownups.

As I was walking in their midst all of them kind of like took a deep breath and just looked at me very quietly and had an amazed looked on their faces. I was giving them a handshake and was caressing the faces of the children and was going near the beach where a lot of them was just there swimming, and all of them gathered around me and some of them asked me: ‘’are you not afraid to be here, in our midst, because you are like the others from the other side who are very afraid of us and they never come here and we don’t go there either.’’

I said to them: ‘’ I am here in the midst of you guys and be with you guys to show the others on the other side that they don’t have to be afraid of you guys, because I will be the proof and they will see that nothing happened to me.’’

Than my dream changed again and I encounter myself talking to some friends of mine and the place looked very much desert like. It looked like the earth went through a major catastrophe and we were the only survival and some more other people but that were still living in hiding.

And I was telling them that I wanted to go to America, and some of the men who were there told me; ‘there is no more America left, but I could see within me America is still here and that there are survivals and allot of them.

So I decided with a friend of mine to go there and when we reached there, we were like walking on this very large grit like structure platform that had allot of grit tiles that lit when one step on them, and all was looking very advanced and futuristic, and clean. The people looked all very clean and had beautiful clothes on and I could see that most of them were woman, they all looked very attractive.

Then i and the friend of mine decided to go downstairs a very deep descending stair with one stair case on the right who was a rolling-stair and on the left a normal stair case.

When we reached downstairs suddenly we encounter a division where the people who looked clean and very nice, were going through a door that reached outside into the daylight. And on the left side there was a very long corridor where one could not see where it was leading because of it being very dark and only the dirty people and deformed people were going through there. I said to my friend;’ let’s go into the dark and investigate what is going on and why exist this separation here.’

And as we were walking in this corridor we were followed by a little person who was avoiding the light of our flashlights to fall on him, and he was asking us, why it is we are going into the dark..??

It seemed like he didn’t want us to go there where they are living, he didn’t want us to continue descending more and more into the darkness, where more of them were living in separation with the clean, futuristic looking peoples. Because of us being a stranger to them, he started getting mean and started using vile language and wanted to hurt us. Then suddenly they became like an army of people who wanted to hurt us, so me and my friend started to run for it, but my friend because of him being fat could not keep up with me and was staying behind and eventually was kept by them, I was running as fast as I could, I was not looking behind at all. So I ran through the dark corridor and reached the area where you had the division which was at the end of the stairs and here I took the stairs that was on my left, which was the normal stairs going up, because on this step was less people on it, I could then run much faster up. I could sense them being just behind me following me. 

When I reached the top I jumped on the wall on the top where the stairs were descending and was separated and from there I jumped on some structures that looked like giant shampoo bottles/containers. From here I jumped on the grit tiles and as I was in the air I noticed one of the tiles turning into a blue light and attracted me and so in the air I decided that I needed to land on that tile and just by focusing on that particular tile I landed on it. When I landed on it I found myself in a kneeling position and I had some apparatus in my right hand and I started rocking back and forth and started crying because I felt it was my fault that my friend is now gone. I just stayed there on my knees and rocked back and forth and cried. And the futuristic, clean and advanced people, were just gathering around me and was looking at me, but they looked at me and had the expression in their faces as if I was performing an act. They didn’t show any emotional expression whatsoever.

In this dream it seemed as me and my friend and the group of people that I belonged to was like travellers, but travellers through time.

Larry Manuela

back-chat tracings

Today i almost was late at my work. I got up early and all, but instead of stepping out of bed and go and take a shower i continue taking a little more nap.

Suddenly i just jump up and look at the time on my phone and noticed that i had only 30 minutes left to reach work.
Now as i was on my way at work on my bike i started talking to myself as if i am talking to someone else and i was saying to myself: '' just keep on cycling you will get on time, don't worry.''
And the voice continue: '' don't pull your phone and look at the time because otherwise you're going to affect your time to reach work on time''
and when i got at work and stood before the punching machine i saw it read: 06:02, this meant that i was 2 minutes late, and the voice in my mind said: '' not bad, at least you are not 15 minutes or more late, this is acceptable, now lets change your clothing and get started before they start missing you.''

Self-forgiveness statements:


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and perceive time to be of influence in my existence in my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in fear of not reaching work on time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talking to myself as if there is another self inside me in separation of me as me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought: '' just keep on cycling you will get on time, don't worry'' to exist within me as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought: '' just keep on cycling and you will get on time, don't worry'' to an emotion of fear in order to not be on time at work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear to exist within me as me as an emotional experience within me as me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought: '' don't pull your phone and look at the time because otherwise you're going to affect your time to reach work on time'' to be part of me as me.
I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself to let the the thought:  ''don't pull your phone and look at the time because otherwise you're going to affect your time to reach work on time'' to instill fear in me for maybe not getting at work on time.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought: '' not bad, at least you are not 15 minutes or more late, this is acceptable, now lets change your clothing and get started before they start missing you.'' to exist within me as me.
I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself  to connect the thought:  '' not bad, at least you are not 15 minutes or more late, this is acceptable, now lets change your clothing and get started before they start missing you.'' to a feeling of  relief because i was not that late after all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even letting the thought: '' not bad, at least you are not 15 minutes or more late, this is acceptable, now lets change your clothing and get started before they start missing you.'' to bring forth a feeling within  me as me.




o.k. that's it.




Thanks




Larry Manuela

at work.

today at work i noticed people at work being very aggressive towards each other.
I was doing my work today as usual, the only different was that i was in another group today.
As i was there in this group doing the work that needs to be done, the chef came to the group of people there and told them about a mistake they have done the day before.
And she was very scared, as if something terrible is going to happen, because of this mistake, but it is just she being afraid of things going wrong on her watch, fearing being warned and stuff like that, and the ultimate fear on at work is; loosing the job itself.

So when she was talking to the other workers, they all were in fear. And i was asking myself as i was looking at them, why are they so fearful and so nasty against each other..?? I do know the reason though, it is all about the fear of loosing money, loosing the thing we use to survive in this world. People will do a lot of nasty thing to each other as long they don't get to loose their jobs.

I notice the separation to within groups at work, every department is against each other or are believing themselves to be better or, that their department is the most valuable, when in essence, they all are working for the same boss under one roof. So if something happens to the company, they all are going to go home, don't matter how valuable they think they are, or more important to the company, because as we already know the company is interesting in one thing and one thing only, and that is ''profit''

All this will end in an equal money system, this stupidity in making people treat each other like that; being aggressive and companies that are only interesting in making more and more profit no matter what.


Bye bye....


Larry Manuela

a realization

Today at work i realized something very interesting.
I noticed that when i was in the elevator at work and i saw my self in the mirror, it was at this moment that i realized that how i looked with my head shaved didn't manner to me as it usually was. Usually i would find myself looking handsome with my head shaved. Now when i looked at the mirror refection of my body and head i had no thoughts whatsoever on how i look. And the cool thing about all this is that i realized it, meaning i became aware of me not finding myself handsome when head-shaved as i used to......lol This may be a little realization,more will come soon as i continue.

Bye bye...


Larry Manuela

the leaving of the children behind once more.

So today was the day that i left the children behind once more.
This is always going to be very hard for now on the 5 years old, he doesn't understand that mummy and dad are not anymore together so dad cannot stay there is he wish, want and desire.
Every time i have to leave he is the one who is crying the most or is crying, the 10 year old girl doesn't cry anymore. I do feel a little bit sorry for him, and i also get a little angry sometimes, because i know it is because of the situation me and his mother put him in so that he has to go through all this shit, and on top of all that we have the whole world system to that is depended on money, i have to have money in order for me to reach them. I have to work to get the money, and everyone knows that we are spending more of our times at work than we are at home with our children or family.

Before i took the train and came home i went to the children playground with my kids and there was this young little girl who just couldn't stop asking question, i guess she was about 4 years old maybe or 5.
Her first question was directed to my son, she asked him; who did your hair and my son replied; my dad.
Than she asked him who is your dad, and my son pointed at me.
Than she asked me, what is my name and where do i live, what is the number of our house, then she kept on asking what is the name of your daughter, and your son.
they played a little, then she came again and she asked; what are you guys going to eat this evening....??
i told her i don't know yet. she than replied, we are going to eat pancakes tonight. Now my daughter started to laugh and she told me but dad, people can't eat pancakes for dinner can they...?? I told her, yes they can, you never know how difficult they could be having it at home, so that is why pancakes can be perfectly normal to her. this is also another situation where one can see how the money system is based on inequality as we all know it already. The poor girl of course doesn't know the hardship of the parents of maybe even only one parent.


When i was on the train back home there were 2 Italian guys on the train, and when the train conductors ask them for their ticket they said, that they had no ticked because they have spent all of their money, and that they are now on their way to the airport to get their plane and leave, but the train conductor told them that they have to get off the train the next stop because they don't have a ticket, even though they had the proof that they are leaving the country, they had their airplane ticket with them. This is for me another way to look at the system, firstly the 2 guys not having money, will make it difficult for them to travel, especially in a country such as this Holland. Secondly, the train conductors doing all they could to keep on with their laws of  boarding train regulations. And they will not give you a chance that easy because they fear loosing their job to.

Self-forgiveness statements:


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my son when he is crying, because i am leaving them for a while.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even feel angry at times because of me not having enough money to see them and also being angry at the system and me supporting it as it is right now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the little girl on the playground, because she said she was going to eat pancakes tonight for dinner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that the little girl may have parents or even one parent that take care of her, just because she said; she was going to eat pancakes tonight. 






Bye bye,.......








Larry Manuela

day out with the children.

Today i was woken-up by my son, because i told them yesterday that we are going to go out today and have some fun together. so he was the first to wake up and immediately woke me up to, because he wanted to leave as soon as possible....lol

As i was there i was looking at all the little children and i could also see how all the parents of the children were really into dividing the children. Everyone is looking at their own children and are trying their best to make a place for their children to play on his/her own, which was very funny to see, because the children themselves were not interesting in all that separation that the parents wanted.......lol

Some of the parents came with friends and there was one in particular that looked very attractive, a blond girl.

After that i took my children to mcdonalds and when were there my son wanted to go  to pee and i told him to wait a minute because i have to go with him because you need to pay. ''Now my daughter than said; yes everything you have to pay here, we already pay for the food and yet we have to pay to go to the toilet to..??'' I then told her, of course everything is money, money and more money.

Self-forgiveness:


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the parents that were there at the place i went with my children.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at a girl and saw attractiveness in her.




so that was it for this day.






Larry Manuela

first day of being with my children again.

Today i got to go to my children. It has been a long time since i have seen them for the last time.
When i got here, because i am still here at the moment, i am going to stay here for the whole weekend, the aunt of my children told me that my son has stolen a bag of M&M's and also have been fighting at school.
I looked at him very seriously and i asked him why he did all that. He looked at me first and start laughing but when he saw that i was serious he started crying. I felt a little sorry for him, but i wanted to push through the whole questioning, i want him to understand why it is he is steeling and wanting things so badly that he will steel it. I will continue to show them more stuff when i am here now, for a while, because soon i have to go home back to work. And i will not be in their everyday life again.

Self-forgiveness statement:


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry when communicating to my son for what he has done. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone what i had to say to him for a later moment in time, and not to take my responsibility as i should in the moment.






LarryManuela