So today was the day that i left the children behind once more.
This is always going to be very hard for now on the 5 years old, he doesn't understand that mummy and dad are not anymore together so dad cannot stay there is he wish, want and desire.
Every time i have to leave he is the one who is crying the most or is crying, the 10 year old girl doesn't cry anymore. I do feel a little bit sorry for him, and i also get a little angry sometimes, because i know it is because of the situation me and his mother put him in so that he has to go through all this shit, and on top of all that we have the whole world system to that is depended on money, i have to have money in order for me to reach them. I have to work to get the money, and everyone knows that we are spending more of our times at work than we are at home with our children or family.
Before i took the train and came home i went to the children playground with my kids and there was this young little girl who just couldn't stop asking question, i guess she was about 4 years old maybe or 5.
Her first question was directed to my son, she asked him; who did your hair and my son replied; my dad.
Than she asked him who is your dad, and my son pointed at me.
Than she asked me, what is my name and where do i live, what is the number of our house, then she kept on asking what is the name of your daughter, and your son.
they played a little, then she came again and she asked; what are you guys going to eat this evening....??
i told her i don't know yet. she than replied, we are going to eat pancakes tonight. Now my daughter started to laugh and she told me but dad, people can't eat pancakes for dinner can they...?? I told her, yes they can, you never know how difficult they could be having it at home, so that is why pancakes can be perfectly normal to her. this is also another situation where one can see how the money system is based on inequality as we all know it already. The poor girl of course doesn't know the hardship of the parents of maybe even only one parent.
When i was on the train back home there were 2 Italian guys on the train, and when the train conductors ask them for their ticket they said, that they had no ticked because they have spent all of their money, and that they are now on their way to the airport to get their plane and leave, but the train conductor told them that they have to get off the train the next stop because they don't have a ticket, even though they had the proof that they are leaving the country, they had their airplane ticket with them. This is for me another way to look at the system, firstly the 2 guys not having money, will make it difficult for them to travel, especially in a country such as this Holland. Secondly, the train conductors doing all they could to keep on with their laws of boarding train regulations. And they will not give you a chance that easy because they fear loosing their job to.
Self-forgiveness statements:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my son when he is crying, because i am leaving them for a while.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even feel angry at times because of me not having enough money to see them and also being angry at the system and me supporting it as it is right now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the little girl on the playground, because she said she was going to eat pancakes tonight for dinner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that the little girl may have parents or even one parent that take care of her, just because she said; she was going to eat pancakes tonight.
Bye bye,.......
Larry Manuela
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